Lighter Side

Funnies

2011-11-06T18:57:00.001-08:00

Some Good Quotes (UNCLASSIFIED)

2011-10-26T06:03:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
-    Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was  SHUT UP .
Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.     As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist' s diet:  -   If it tastes good spit it out.

Funny signs

2011-10-19T18:19:00.003-07:00

Enjoy

2011-10-19T18:19:00.002-07:00

Joys of aging

2011-10-19T18:19:00.001-07:00

Try not to laugh

2011-10-16T19:48:00.000-07:00

PARAPROSDOKIANS...

2011-10-09T20:09:00.001-07:00

Here is the definition: "A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a paraprosdokian.

So, now enjoy these:

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening, and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. [You are forgiven, because I help those who help themselves].

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car!

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." ~ Jon Hammond

US Economy

2011-10-03T22:58:00.002-07:00

Funny pics

2011-10-03T22:58:00.001-07:00

Naughty Naughty

2011-10-03T22:58:00.000-07:00

Cheeky Cartoons

2011-09-19T08:59:00.000-07:00

Church Signs

2011-08-26T19:24:00.000-07:00

Nutty Netas

2011-08-24T10:41:00.001-07:00

Humor in Uniform

2011-07-18T06:49:00.001-07:00

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, 'What time is it?'

The tower responded, 'Who is calling?'

The aircraft replied, 'What difference does it make?'

The tower replied, 'It makes a lot of difference.. . If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.'

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. 'Your jeep stuck, sir?' asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. 'Nope,' replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. 'Yours is.'

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Gp Capt was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, 'Yes, Marshal, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.' Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, 'What do
you want?'

'Nothing important, sir,' the airman replied, 'I'm just here to hook up your telephone.'

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Officer: 'Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?'
Soldier: 'Sure, buddy.'
Officer: 'That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!'
Officer: Do you have change for a dollar?'
Soldier: 'No, SIR!'

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a Marshal were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The Marshal shouted, 'Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whore-house! '

The Chief turned to his barber and said, 'Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whore-house smells like.'

----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

'Well,' snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, 'I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave.'

'Not me, Chief!' the Seaman replied. 'Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!

Jaago India Jaago

2011-07-16T06:04:00.001-07:00

Sign of times?

2011-06-23T20:55:00.000-07:00

Some of them seem quite Freudian!

Appoinment Letter of Laloo Prasad

2011-06-19T08:43:00.001-07:00

THE LALOO TIMES………

Laloo Prasad sent his Bio Data - to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation, USA.
A few days later he got this reply:

Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence.
No phone call shall be entertained.

Thanks
Bill Gates.

Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply.
He arranged a press conference : "Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hai."
Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued...... "Ab hum aap sab ko apnaa appointment Letter padkar sunaongaa ? par letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga.

Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ----- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya
You do not meet -----aap to miltay hee naheen ho
our requirement ----- humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any furthur correspondance ----- ab Letter vetter bhejne ka kaouno zaroorat nahee.
No phone call ----- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai
shall be entertained ----- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks ----- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.
Bill Gates. ---- Tohar Bill Gates.

Ramdev and Annna Vs Manmohan

2011-06-10T21:23:00.001-07:00

Pakistan

2011-06-05T05:49:00.000-07:00

Funny Cartoons

2011-05-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

Murphy's Laws

2011-05-23T07:38:00.000-07:00

Whenever I find the key to success,

Someone changes the lock.

***

Your Boss is always on time to notice you coming late &

he is always late to notice you coming on time

***

To Err is human, to forgive

Is not a COMPANY policy.

***

The road to success???

Is always under construction.

***

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems,

But if you think again, neither does Milk.

***

All the desirable things in life

Are either illegal, expensive or

Fattening or married to someone else.

***

Since Light travels faster than Sound,

People appear brighter

Before you hear them speak.

***

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich,

Which never works.

***

If at first you don't succeed?

Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

***

You can never determine which side

Of the bread to butter. If it falls down,

It will always land on the buttered side.

***

Anything dropped on the floor will roll over

To the most inaccessible corner.

***

As soon as you mention something,

If it is good, it is taken...

If it is bad, it happens!

***

He who has the gold, makes the rules

---- Murphy's golden rule.

***

If you come early, the bus is late.

If you come late, the bus is still late...

***

Once you have bought something,

You will find the same item being sold

Somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

***

When in a queue, the other line always

Moves faster and the person in front of you

Will always have the most complex of transactions.

***

If you have paper, you don't have a pen.

If you have a pen, you don't have paper.

If you have both, no one calls.

***

You will pick up maximum

Wrong numbers when on roaming.

***

The door bell or your mobile will always ring

When you are in the bathroom.

***

After a long wait for bus no. 20,

Two 20 number buses will always pull in

Together and the bus which you get in

Will be more crowded than the other.

***

If your exam is tomorrow,

There will be a power cut tonight.

***

Irrespective of the direction of the wind,

The smoke from the cigarette will always

Tend to go to the non-smoker!

Interesting Ideas

2011-05-22T09:21:00.000-07:00

Some more Osama Cartoons

2011-05-21T07:51:00.000-07:00

Abbotabad Style Raid by India

2011-05-20T20:45:00.000-07:00

Osama Obama Pakistan - Ligher side

2011-05-20T00:31:00.000-07:00

All the cartoons have been collected from the internet and are copyrighted to the respective creators.

Rajanikanth Unleashed

2011-05-18T01:35:00.001-07:00

When Rajnikant was studying in 3rd std....some1 stole his rough note....&

Now they call it as .............Wikipedia

Crazy people!!!! ;)

========================================

When Rajnikant was a Student¦!!!

Teachers use to Bunk the classes!!!

========================================

Rajnikant started college. All students were confused while taking
admission because name of college is

"Rajnikant's Medical College of Engineering for Commerce".

========================================

THE MOST NEGLECTED FACT OF THE ENTIRE DECADE!!!!

Sachin Tendulkar's mothers name is RAJNI Tendulkar

And his coach's name is ramaKANT

Is there a need to say anything beyond this???

========================================

Rajinikant got 150 questions in exam paper asking - "Solve any 100 questions"

He solved all 150 and wrote, " Rascalla!, CHECK ANY 100!"

========================================

One day Rajani thought to play cricket in monsoon and rain stopped due to play.

========================================

Rajnikanth's next project is the Titanic in Tamil. However, Rajni has
twisted the climax. Both the lead actors survive. Rajni swims

across the Atlantic Ocean with the heroine in one hand and... The
Titanic in the other

========================================

"Who says the world will be destroyed in Dec 2012..Rajnikant just
bought a Laptop with three years warranty"

========================================

Rajni can walk faster than light.
"Rajni cannot be created or destroyed; it can only be changed from one
form to another".

========================================

Law of Conservation of Rajni

All scientists failed to answer this but rajnikanth did...
Ques: Which liquid turns solid on heating?
Ans: Dosa... mind it!!!

========================================

Once a photo of Rajnikant was given for Xerox. Don't even try to guess
what happened.

We got two copies of the Xerox machine.

========================================

One more:

Once upon a time

Rajnikant used Tooth Powder to get strong teeth

today that powder is known as

"AMBUJA CEMENT"

========================================

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

2011-05-13T05:06:00.000-07:00

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.'

Tha's very fair, your honor' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man went to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard to Solve a Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man was recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all- in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service had just barely finished when there was massive clap of thunder followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.

Osama is Dead

2011-05-12T10:38:00.000-07:00

For all the doctors

2011-05-12T10:37:00.000-07:00

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Dr's Asstt Rawalpindi

2011-04-29T12:08:00.001-07:00

A doctor in Rawalpindi wanted to get off work and go shopping to Dubai, so he approached his assistant. 'Oye, I am goin' shoppin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Kamran.

The doctor goes shopping and returns.

The following day and asks: 'So, ji,
How was it ?'

kamran told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Shabaash, and the second one?' Asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Gelusil, sir,' says Kamran.

'Subhanallah! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a mohatarma enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra-panties and lies down on the table and shouts:

HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!'

'Oye teriki, What did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put Optrex,the eye drops in her eyes!!

Funny one liners

2011-04-06T10:14:00.001-07:00

*   I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in,
she said: Cheque books.

*   The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the
prices of new car.

*   What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

*   What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

*   Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.

   *   Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?

New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

* Q: Why dogs don't marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

* Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?

A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

* Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again.

Why?

Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out funny one liners.

Funny one liners

2011-03-31T10:17:00.003-07:00

* I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in,

she said: Cheque books.

* The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the

prices of new car.

* What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

* What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

* Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.

* Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?

New employee: Yes, sir.

Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

* Q: Why dogs don't marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

* Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?

A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

* Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again.

Why?

Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.

Reasons not to mess with children !!!!!!

2011-03-31T10:17:00.001-07:00

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God..'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

I love this one!

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,

'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want.. God is watching the apples.'

Bosses

2011-03-05T23:16:00.001-08:00

Lexiphiles

2011-03-05T09:53:00.000-08:00

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Demotivational Posters

2011-03-02T23:29:00.001-08:00

Luvverly Old Poems

2011-03-02T04:36:00.000-08:00

Incredible India....!!

2011-02-18T08:08:00.000-08:00

Would be interesting to see the participants!

2011-02-14T22:47:00.000-08:00

Would be interesting to see the participants! LOL
Phonemail

Would be interesting to see the participants!

2011-02-14T22:38:00.000-08:00

Would be interesting to see the participants! LOL
Phonemail

Hyderabadi Pearls

2011-02-10T18:14:00.001-08:00

Mom : Kaiku rora re potte ?

Son : Teacher mari Merku

Mother : Kaiku mari chudel ne

Son : us ku MURGI bola

Mother : Kaiku Bola

Son : Kaiku boleto…. har exam me andach deri !!!

Sum Good Puns

2011-01-08T19:44:00.000-08:00

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Some tips for writers

2010-12-29T17:00:00.000-08:00

Since we're now living in the time of e-mail (and blogs
and texts and Tweets) and the more common use of the written
language, it is time for an English lesson.

So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep
in mind when using the Queen's Engerlish:

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat).

6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.

9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad
too.

11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous.

14. One should never generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose
earth shattering ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when
its not needed.

27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me
what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times:
resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it
correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Funnies

2010-12-12T21:00:00.000-08:00

4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a
hospital waiting for their wives to give birth.

Soon, a nurse came out from the delivery room and told
the first daddy:"Congratulations, you've twins!".

"Oh!..... maybe it's just a coincidence" said the
daddy,"as I'm working at the Petronas Twin Towers".

Then another nurse came out of the room and told the
second daddy:"Congratulations, you've triplets!"

"Wooow!, this is a coincidence,too" said the second
daddy."I am working for 3M Corporation".

A while later, another nurse appeared and told the
third daddy: "Congratulations! your wife got
quadruplets"

"Thanks God. Perhaps this is also a coincidence"."I
work at Four Seasons Hotel!".

Meanwhile, the fourth daddy-to-be was becoming very
worried.

All the 3 daddies asked him: "Why do you look so
worried?".He answered, "...uhmmm.... I'm working at
Seven-Eleven!"

|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|
Two Sardars were walking together...

Pehla: Oye marr gaye. Meri biwi aur meri premika ek
saath aa rahi hain..

Dusra: Oye main bhi yahi bolne wala tha....
|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|

"Help.... the Titanic is going to be drowned...."
Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or
praying to God...
Just then a Italian asks the nearby Sardarji in the
ship.
Italian : How far is land, from here ?
Sardarji : Two miles .
Italian : Only two miles, Then why are these fools
making noise.
I have got the experience of swimming even more.
The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes
up to the layer to ask something again.
Italian : Just tell me which side, is land two miles
from here ?
Sardarji : Downwards... !!
|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|

Two Sardars went into a pub and after ordering two
beers took some sandwiches out of their pockets and
started to eat them.
"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here,"
complained the pub-owner.
So the two sardars swapped (exchanged) their
sandwiches.

|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|
A sardar was very fond of sensational and detective
novels,but he always started reading from the middle.
A friend of his asked why he did so?"
It'z doubly interesting", said the Sardar. "TO start
from the middle keeps one curious not only about its
conclusion but also about its beginning
|====|===|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|

Once a Sardarji was going to his office.
On the way he slipped on a banana peel and was badly
hurt.
Next day , on his way to the office, he noticed a
banana peel and Later after two days, he noticed two
banana peels and exclaimed" ari sala, aaj to choice
hai"!!!!!!

|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|

A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the
pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were
in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly
soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?

The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are
Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and
Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected,
so your answer is correct. But how did you get only 12
seconds in a year?"
The Sardar replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,
March 2nd, etc...."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word
|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|

Nurse - "Mubarak ho.. Sardarji.. aap papa ban gaye.."
Sardarji - " Meri wife ko nahi bolna.. main use
surprise doonga..!"
|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|

Dr Chopra psychotherapist wanted 'Sign board' to be
pained in front of his clinic but our Sardar painter
painted "Dr Chorpa Psycho The Rapist"

|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|

What is the difference between WATCH & WIFE .........
Ek bigadti hai to bandh ho jati hai......

Doosari bigadati hai to "SHUROO' ho jati hai

======================================================

Ek sardar apne bete se bola : Bevakuf, kaisa machis
leke aaya hai, ek bhi tili nahin jalti.

Beta : Kya baat karte ho papa, sab tili test karke
laya hu.
======================================================

Man runs home yelling "Pack your bags honey. I just
won the 10 Million lotto.

Wife : Do I pack for the beach or mountains ?

Man : Who cares ? Just pack and get lost !

=============================================================

Doctor to Sardaar : App ka aur aapki biwi ka blood
group ek hi hai?

Sardaar : Hoga, Jarur hoga; 25 saalse mera khoon jo
pee rahi hai....

============================================================

A two seater plane crashed in a graveyard in Punjab
today........

Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are
still..... digging for more.

==========================================================

Sardar found answer to most difficult question
question ever What comes first - the chicken or the
egg ?

O yaar, jiska order pahele dooge, wo ayega !!!

For the Middle-Aged & those who will reach it one day

2010-11-08T20:15:00.000-08:00

wonderful composition

CWG in Delhi Common Wealth Games....Too Good !!!!

2010-09-30T08:08:00.000-07:00

A Picture is worth a thousand words

2010-09-29T20:14:00.000-07:00

Think about it

2010-08-23T09:55:00.001-07:00

* Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to
look for it in more places.

* Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it
sure keeps you from enjoying it.

* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of
the waist change places.

* Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great
ancestors.

* The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has
the same size bucket.

* When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet
you're in a public restroom.

* Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

* Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you
need it.

* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if
you wish they were.

* A closed mouth gathers no feet.

* A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has
found someone to blame it on.

* The world is full of willing people: some willing to work
and some willing to let them.

FW: Welcome to Bungalore

2010-08-04T20:28:00.000-07:00

Confuscius Say

2010-08-02T19:34:00.000-07:00

Thoughts by Ducky

2010-07-31T21:17:00.001-07:00

'LIFE' THOUGHTS BY 'DUCKY'

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and
over fifty for Miss America ?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't
have signed up in the first place!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Gujju Engleesh

2010-07-20T08:41:00.000-07:00

These are extracts from actual letters sent to Leicester council and Housing associations written by Gujaratis:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3.. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife

Nice Cartoons

2010-07-16T00:44:00.001-07:00

Fauj ke Asool

2010-07-15T20:09:00.000-07:00

bane raho paglay, kam karenge agle,
bane raho lull, tankhwa paao full,
kam se daro nahin, kam ko karo nahin,
kam mat karo, kam ki fiqr karo and fiqr ka zikr karo,
kam karoge to kam milega,
kam nahin karoge to sirf tankhwa milegi,
kam tum nahin karoge to koi aur karega,
aur trust me tumse acha karega

Different jokes for a change!!! ... for yr Mallu friends !!!!! !!!!!

2010-07-09T21:00:00.001-07:00

Enough of Sardar jokes....... Mallu jokes are here !!!!! !!!!!

1) What is the tax on a Mallu's income called?

IngumDax

2) Where did the Malayali study?

In the ko-liage.

3) Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?

He is very bissi.

4) Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?

To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in Gelff.

5) Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff?

To yearn meney.

6) What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?

He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

7) How does a Malayali spell moon?

MOON - Yem Woh yet another Woh and Yen

8) What is Malayali management graduate called?

Yem Bee Yae.

9) What does a Malayali do when he goes to America ?

He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.

10) What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?

An Oto

11) Where does he pray?

In a Temble, Charch and a Maask

12) Who is Bruce Lee's best friend ?

A Malaya-Lee of coarse.

13) Name the only part of the werld, where Malayalis dont werk hard?

Kerala.

14) Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?

Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi

15) Why did Saddam Hussain attack Kuwait?

He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say

'KEEP QUWAIT' 'KEEP QUWAIT'

16) What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line?

" Frem Tea Shops To Koll Cenders , We Are Yevery Where "

17) Why aren't Mals included in hockey and football teams ?

Coz Whenever they get a corner , they set up a tea shop.

18) Now pass it on to 5 Mals to get a free sample of

kokanet oil.

Why doesn't a mallu kiss while having sex?

Because he is holding his lungi with his teeth...!!!

5 reasons you shouldn't take kids to the zoo...

2010-06-14T19:46:00.000-07:00

Jai Ho - we are like this only

2010-06-05T17:47:00.000-07:00

Puns for the educated mind:

2010-05-07T00:35:00.001-07:00

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the Grass."

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said "No change yet."

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Rohit Agarwal

9868967224

http://www.jottings.in

http://www.goodnewz.in

http://www.linkedin.com/in/1agarwal

Absolute perfection comes from the absolute.

That which is well built
will never be torn down.
That which is well latched
can not slip away.
Those who do things well
will be honored from generation to generation.

(Tao Te Ching)

Great Truths

2010-04-30T19:18:00.001-07:00

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

Work

2010-04-24T05:54:00.000-07:00

Laughs

2010-04-22T03:27:00.001-07:00

Funtoons

2010-04-10T05:17:00.000-07:00

Modern Woman

2010-04-05T10:05:00.000-07:00

Stress

2010-03-31T00:27:00.000-07:00

British Post Cards - Funny

2010-03-22T00:31:00.001-07:00

Complaints !!!!! Very funny ...................

2010-03-22T00:31:00.000-07:00

*These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their apartments!!*

*****************************

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

5. I am a woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night..

6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color & not fit to drink.

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

Dog Toons

2010-03-20T06:14:00.000-07:00

Risqe

2010-02-25T20:11:00.000-08:00

Some Laughs

2010-02-06T04:21:00.000-08:00

Good old postcards

2009-12-31T01:46:00.000-08:00

Christmas Capers

2009-12-31T00:17:00.000-08:00

The New Talk of Women and Men

2009-12-20T19:17:00.001-08:00

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.

2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGE > FACILITY.

2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.

8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

10. He is not a WANKER - He is an OWNER OPERATOR.

Court room exhanges!!

2009-12-17T20:09:00.000-08:00

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS : By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr.Dentonwas dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

_____________________________________
And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.