Thank God for our Neighbourhood !

*These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats !!*

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night..
6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.
16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off..
17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
 

 

Marriage

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life! --Anonymous 

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.  --Oscar Wilde 

Do not marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.  --Scottish Proverb 

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.  --Sam Kinison 

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you free.  --Anonymous 

Bachelors know more about women than married men do; if they did not, they would be married too.  --H. L. Mencken 

Men have a better time than women do do; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.  --H. L. Mencken 

'A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.'- U2 

Marriage is a three-ring circus:  --engagement ring ---wedding ring ---suffering.

 When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows the reason why.  When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why?

 Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener. 

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always.  –Anonymous

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said,'Somewhere I have never been!' I told her,  'How about the kitchen?'    --Anonymous.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate. –Anonymous

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.  –Anonymous

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?'  Following her down the street I yelled, 'No, jump in.'  --Anonymous 

Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married.  He says 'the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs...' --Anonymous.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the   frontdoor, whom do you let in first?  The Dog of course...at least he will shut up after u let him in!  --Anonymous.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another   man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound   intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?' The first man approached him and said,'Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent? 'The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied 'My wife's first husband.'-

 A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled ' It really works!

 

About Marriage

Marriage quotes

 

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal.

There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. -- Cass Daley

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution- -but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.