WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
George Bush's Answer:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know
if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either
with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
Al Gore's Answer:
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
crossing the road represented the application of these two different
functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater
services to the American people.
Bill Gates' Answer:
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -
and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
Martha Stewart's Answer:
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing
order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a
certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
Dr. Seuss' Answer:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway's Answer:
To die. In the rain. Alone.
Martin Luther King Jr's Answer:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
Grandpa's Answer:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us
that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Barbara Walters' Answer:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
life-long dream of crossing the road.
Ralph Nader's Answer:
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by
unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled
habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a
gas-guzzling SUV.
Jerry Seinfield's Answer:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask,
"What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place
anyway?"
Pat Buchanan's Answer:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Rush Limbaugh's Answer:
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting
a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is
already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road
syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans
take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I
say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took
from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
Jerry Falwell's Answer:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other
side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that
chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I
say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other
side.".
John Lennon's Answer:
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
Aristotle's Answer:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx's Answer:
It was a historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein's Answer:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Voltaire's Answer:
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death
its right to do it.
Captain Kirk's Answer:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder's Answer:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have
to cross before you believe it?
Scully's Answer:
It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.
Bill Clinton's Answer:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?
Could you define chicken, please?
The Bible's Answer:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much
rejoicing.
Albert Einstein's Answer:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
Sigmund Freud's Answer:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
L.A.P.D.'s Answer:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Richard Nixon's Answer:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the
road.
Buddha's Answer:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Joseph Stalin's Answer:
I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.
Carl Jung's Answer:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that
individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore,
synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Louis Farrakhan's Answer:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the
"black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
John Locke's Answer:
Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
Albert Camus' Answer:
It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.
Oliver Stone's Answer:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather
"Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste
to observe the chicken crossing?"
The Pope's Answer:
That is only for God to know.
Immanuel Kant's Answer:
chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free
will.
MC. Escher's Answer:
That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
George Orwell's Answer:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing
the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their
interests.
Plato's Answer:
For the greater good.
Nietzsche's Answer:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across
you.
B.F. Skinner's Answer:
Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from
birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to
cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
Jean-Paul Sartre's Answer:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it
necessary to cross the road.
Emily Dickenson's Answer:
Because it could not stop for death.
O.J. Simpson's Answer:
It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Ken Starr's Answer:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the
president of the United States of America, in an effort to distract law
enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing
our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the
chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate
scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason,
my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he
cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not
be permitted to reach the other side of the road, until our investigation
and any Congressional follow-up investigations, have been completed. (We
also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the
Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to
discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to
ruffle his feathers.).
Colonel Sanders' Answer:
I missed one?
Friday, December 26, 2008
Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road..
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Truly P Js
Champu and Pampu are 2 elephant friends. Champu is in love with Champi, the elephant beauty queen. Champu proposes Champi and she rejects him for some other rich elephant across the river. Champu is very sad, so
Pampu consoles Champu and asks him to play see-saw at the garden. Suddenly
the see-saw breaks.. and they burst into a song......................guess which one....
See-Saw ho ya dil ho.... aakhirrrrrr... toot jaata hai....toot jaata hai...toot jaata hai....!!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------
What will u call a person who is leaving India ??
Answer : Hindustan Lever (Leaver).
2) Who is Joe . . . .
Of course "Kambakth ishq hai Joe"
3) Question: What will u call a person who leaves India ,but doesn't travel
much??
Answer: Hindustan Lever Ltd (Limited).
4) Kalidas ka ek bhai joote banata tha us ka naam kya tha.?
Answer : adidas
-------------------------------------------------------
The Maratha Regiment was fighting hard on the border against the enemies...... They had to cross the border to capture the enemy base....but no one was able to cross the border and go across. fearing death .Just then Hawaldar Pawan Kumar Jhonke ...got up and crossed the border.....and nothing
happened to him ..why??
Kyon ki...........
Panchi Nadiya PAWAN K JHONKE...
Koi Sarhad na Inhe roke...(from Refugee)
-------------------------------------------------------
One day James Bond goes to buy a pan. The pan walla asks him 4 Rs. for the pan but James Bond gives him only 1.5 rs. When paan waala asks him for the rest of the money ...Bond replies ....?????
Dhai(2.5) another day
------------------------------------------------------
Ek Gadha ped par chadha to oopar baithe haathi ne poochha:
Haathi: Tu kyun chadha ?
Gadha: Apple khaane
Haathi: Lekin yeh to Mango tree hai !!
Gadha: Maloom hai, main apple saath laaya hoon !!!
Friday, December 12, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
1st grade proverbs....
| A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
And the WINNER and last one!
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Nice Ones
Girls Watch Out......
This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan: We stare because we care!
We had a girl to stay; her name was Virginia. We called her Virgin for short, but not for long
What is Fashion Designing?
Too many brains working on too little clothes with too many ideas on how to cover two little areas
What is the similarity between doing sex & doing surgery?
Skill is more important than the instrument.. .
What is Female Viagra ?
Jewellery
A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury.
Next day a headline reads: Team to play without Dicks.
The manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the headline. It reads: Team to play with Dicks out
Sex n shopping have one thing in common: In both the cases, men start sweating in 15 minutes n women want to go on and on and on and on!
How do you define a virgin?
On the Verge but not in!
What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another Damm Woman trying to do a Man's job!!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Coursemates Dec 89 Batch Yahoo Group Singh is King
| A Sardarji , a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia , so
|
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Funny , Indian communities. I am proud to be part of this milieu. Ihope you are too !!!
Funny , Indian communities. I am proud to be part of this milieu. I hope you are too !!!
Kashmiri
One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.
Tamil-Brahmin
One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tam-Brahms = Maths tuition class.
Three Tam-Brahms = Queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara
Mallu
One Mallu = coconut stall..
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.
UP Bhaiyya
One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.
Gujju
One Gujju = share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay 's noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.
Andhraite
One Andhraite = chili farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey ..
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.
Mumbaikar
One Mumbaikar = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Mumbaikars= film studio.
Three Mumbaikars = slum.
Four Mumbaikars = The number of people standing on your foot in the
train at rush hour.
Sindhi
One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar ...
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association. .
Marwari
One Marwari = The neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta
Three Marwaris = Finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = Threaten the Jews as a community.
Haryanvi
One Haryanavi = tube light.
Two Haryanavis = agriculture.
Three Haryannavis = Lathi squad.
Four Haryanavis = actually just one was enough.
Last but the best
Kannadiga
One kannadiga = devegowda
Two kannadigas = devegowda with his son Kumarswamy
Three kannadigas = rivals of devegowda family
Four Kannadigas = total no of kannadigas in bengaluru
Bihari
One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav .
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = train capture.
Four Biharis = caste riots
Five Biharis = entire literate population of Patna ...
Bengali
One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.
More than four Bengalis = Countrywide agitation to bring Ganguli into Team.
Punjabi
One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
WHY ARE INDIANS EASY TO IDENTIFY ?????????
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WHY ARE INDIANS EASY TO IDENTIFY
We are like this only so true, so very true..........
1. Everything you eat is savored in garlic, onion and tomatoes.
2. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.
3. You are always standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport.
4. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think it's normal.
5. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to stamp.
6. You recycle Wedding Gifts, Birthday Gifts and Anniversary Gifts.
7. You name your children in rhythms (example, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam, Kamini & Shamini, Shalini & Sonali.)
8. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere, close to their real names.
9. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says "No Food
Allowed" 10. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
11. You load up the family car with as many people as possible.
12. You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch.
13. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think, but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other "Uncles and Aunties" will think.
14. You buy and display crockery, which is never used, as it is for special occasions, which never happen.
15. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.
16. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
17. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.
18. Your kitchen shelf is full of jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with purchase of other stuff)
19. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).
20. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.
21. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
22. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old.
(And they prefer it that way).
23. You don't use measuring cups when cooking.
24. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.
25. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are traveling by bus, train or plane.
26. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity of more than the speed of light.
27. You only make long distance calls after 11p.m.
28. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
29. You call an older person you never met before Uncle or Aunty.
30. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.
31. Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign
countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls.
32. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them from getting dirty.
33. Its embarrassing if you're wedding has less than 600 people.
34. All your Tupperware is stained with food color.
35. You have drinking glasses made of steel.
36. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.
37. You have really enjoyed reading this mail - forward it to as many Indians as possible.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Murphy's Law and More
Murphy's Law
If anything can go wrong, it will.go wrong.
Corollaries:
1. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
2. Everything takes longer than you think.
3. If there is a possibility of several things goin wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
4. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
5. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
6. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
7. Every solution breeds new problems.
8. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.(and determined)
9. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
The Murphy Philosophy:
Smile ... tomorrow will be worse.
Murphy's Constant:
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
Quantization Revision of Murphy's Law::
Everything goes wrong all at once.
Hill's Commentaries on Murphy's Law:
1. If we lose much by having things go wrong, take all possible care.
2. If we have nothing to lose by change, relax.
3. If we have everything to gain by change, relax.
4. If it doesn't matter, it does not matter.
O'Toole's Commentary on
Murphy's Law:Murphy was an optimist.
Zymurgy's Seventh Exception to Murphy's Law:
When it rains, it pours.
Boling's Postulate:
If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
White's Statement:
Don't lose heart ...
Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
they might want to cut it out ...
Byrd's Addition to, Owen's Commentary onWhite's Statement:
... and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
Iles's Law:
There is always an easier way to do it.
Corollaries:
1. When looking directly at the easier way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
Neither will Iles.
Chisholm's Second Law:
When things are going well, something will go wrong.
Corollaries:
1 . When things just can't get any worse, they will.
2. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Chisholm's Third Law:
Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
Corollaries:
I. If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
2. If You do something which you are sure wi meet with everybody's approval, somebody won't like it.
3. Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Sniff Sniff...
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on
the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and
puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the
man...The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and
asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.The second man
explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and
the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy
and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we
get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane takes
off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch
this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.Smithy jumps
down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy
then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's
arm.The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the
man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana,
so I'm making a note of her seat number and the
authorities will apprehend her when we land.' 'Say,
that's pretty neat,' replies the first man. Once
again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab
sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,
returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the
agent's arm. The agent says, 'That man is carrying
cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number
for the police.' 'I like it!' says his seat
mate. The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits
down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent,
jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the
place. The first man is really amazed now by this behaviour
and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would
behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going
on?' The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a
bomb.'
Thursday, November 6, 2008
STUD ROOSTER : A Nice story to explain wisdom which comes with age
THE STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit.....
Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this
Story? ..
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little tricks up their sleeve
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
Rules/Laws in NCR
Here Are The 15 Rules / Laws That Delhi Lives By
1. The Other Side Law:
If my side of the road has a traffic jam, then I can start driving on the wrong side of the road, and all incoming cars will be rerouted via Meerut.
2. The No Queue Rule:
If there is a queue of many people, no one will notice me sneaking into the front as long as I am looking the other way.
3. The Mind Over Matter Law:
If a red light is not working, four cars from different directions can easily pass through one another.
4. The Auto Axiom:
If I indicate which way I am going to turn my vehicle, it is an information security leak.
5. The In Spit Of Thing:
The more I lean out of my car or bus, and the harder I spit, the stronger the roads become.
6. The Cinema Hall Fact:
If I get a call on my mobile phone, the film automatically goes into pause mode.
7. The Brotherhood Law:
If I want to win an argument, I need only to repeatedly suggest that the other person has illicit relations with his sister.
8. The Baraat/ Marriage Right:
When I'm on the road to marriage, all the roads in the city belong to me. To ME.
9. The Heart Of Things:
If I open enough buttons on my shirt, the pretty girl at the bus stop can see through my mal-deformed chest into the depths of my soul.
10. The Name Game:
It is very important for the driver behind me to memorize the nicknames of my children.
11. Parking Up The Wrong Tree:
When I double-park my car, the road automatically widens so that the traffic is not affected.
12. The Chill Bill Move:
When I park and block someone else's car I am giving him a chance to pause, relax, chill and take a few moments off from his rushed day.
13. The Ogling Stare:
If you don't ogle and drool at every hot Chic that passes by, you're gay.
14. The Bus Law:
If I stop my bus at the correct place near the bus stop, the city will explode and blow into 6 million pieces.
15. The VIP Rule:
There are only 3 important persons in this city -Me, I, Myself !
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Ten ways to stop those credit card sales, mobile companies, insurance calls from irritating you:
Ten ways to stop those credit card sales, mobile companies, insurance calls from irritating you:
1 After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.
2 Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her, if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
3 Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Laugh all the way to the bank
How do you define optimism?
A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.
What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? The pizza can still feed a family of four.
As a surprise, a chief exec's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating: '. . . and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.'
Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
Q: What's the difference between a merchant bank and Katie Price?
A: Both are institutions whose reputation is built on assets that, on closer inspection, turn out to be entirely artificial, vastly over-inflated and in danger of going through the floor at any moment. But at least Katie Price is still worth something.
What do you call five hedge fund managers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.
A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?' The policeman replies: 'The Prime Minister is so depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. 'He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we're taking up a collection for him.' The lobbyist asks: 'How much have you got so far?' The officer replies: 'About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'
The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed.
Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.
What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything?
A Quarter-pounder with fries, please.
Overheard in a City bar: 'This credit crunch is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.'
The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped: 'insufficient funds.'
Is it them or me?
Bradford & Bingley employees are concerned they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander Bank.
A Government spokesman said: 'No one expected the Spanish acquisition.'
What's the difference between the BBC's Business Editor Robert Peston and God?
God doesn't think he's Robert Peston.
You know it's a credit crunch when...
• The cashpoint asks if you can spare any change.
• There's a 'buy one, get one free' offer - on banks.
• The Inland Revenue is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.
• Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and started sucking his thumb.
• Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than sterling.
• Highgrove has been repossessed.
• Victoria Beckham is pictured shopping in Primark.
• Alistair Darling's eyebrows have turned white.
RIP: The amusing memorial to the economy erected in the City of London
I talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on.
He sold me one outside Boots yesterday.
What's the capital of Iceland?
About £3.50.
An architect, a surgeon and an economist are discussing the Creation. The surgeon says: 'Look, we surgeons are most important. God's a surgeon because the first thing he did was to extract Eve from Adam's rib.' The architect says: 'No, wait a minute, God is an architect. He made the world in seven days out of chaos.' The economist smiles: 'And who made the chaos?'
A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'
Money talks. Trouble is, mine knows only one word: 'Goodbye.'
A young man asked an elderly rich man how he made his money. 'Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last penny, so I invested that penny in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold that apple for ten pennies. 'The next morning I bought two apples, spent the day polishing them and sold them for 20 pennies. I continued this for a month, by which time I'd accumulated a fortune of £1.37. 'Then my wife's father died and left us £2 million.'
What have an Icelandic bank and an Icelandic streaker got in common?
They both have frozen assets.
A director decided to award a prize of £50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the credit crunch.
It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10.
News from the Far East
Uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Laughing through the financial pain: Two of best credit crunch spoofs found on the internet
And finally
Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit. Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: 'You know, I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person very happy.' Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: 'Well, I could throw five £10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy.' Gordon says: 'Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy.' The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: 'I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole country happy.'
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