1st grade proverbs....

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 1. Don't change horses until they stop running. 2. Strike while the bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but How? 6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty. 7. No news is impossible 8. A miss is as good as a Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new Math 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust Me. 12. The pen is mightier than the pigs. 13. An idle mind is the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's pollution. 15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is not much. 17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box 24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way. 25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you. And the WINNER and last one! 26. Better late than Pregnant

Murphy's Law and More

Murphy's Law

If anything can go wrong, it will.go wrong.

Corollaries:

1. Nothing is as easy as it looks.

2. Everything takes longer than you think.

3. If there is a possibility of several things goin wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

4. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.

5. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

6. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

7. Every solution breeds new problems.

8. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.(and determined)

9. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

The Murphy Philosophy:

Smile ... tomorrow will be worse.

Murphy's Constant:

Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

Quantization Revision of Murphy's Law::

Everything goes wrong all at once.

Hill's Commentaries on Murphy's Law:

1. If we lose much by having things go wrong, take all possible care.

2. If we have nothing to lose by change, relax.

3. If we have everything to gain by change, relax.

4. If it doesn't matter, it does not matter.

O'Toole's Commentary on
Murphy's Law:

Murphy was an optimist.

Zymurgy's Seventh Exception to Murphy's Law:

When it rains, it pours.

Boling's Postulate:

If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

White's Statement:

Don't lose heart ...

Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:

they might want to cut it out ...

Byrd's Addition to, Owen's Commentary onWhite's Statement:

... and they want to avoid a lengthy search.

Iles's Law:

There is always an easier way to do it.

Corollaries:

1. When looking directly at the easier way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.

Neither will Iles.

Chisholm's Second Law:

When things are going well, something will go wrong.

Corollaries:

1 . When things just can't get any worse, they will.

2. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

Chisholm's Third Law:

Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.

Corollaries:

I. If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.

2. If You do something which you are sure wi meet with everybody's approval, somebody won't like it.

3. Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work.

The Future of Nursery Rhymes

The future of nursery rhymes

It's Raining, It's Pouring
Oh sh!t, it's Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

.
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
'Pies you dummy!'

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @rse
And turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy

__._,_.__

Little Ralphy... Is he Little Johnny's brother??

---

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.

He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if

you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

Loving husband...........

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying
in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to
touch her in
ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and
then
began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid
his hand
across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over
one breast,
then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm,
caressed past the side of her breast again, working down
her side,
passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down
her leg to
her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at
the
uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same
manner on her
right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became
silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she
asked in
a loving voice, 'That was wonderful.

Why did you stop?'


'I found the remote,' he said.

Bob!!

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'





Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

British Post Cards

Classy Insults

When Insults Had Class.........

There was a time when words were used beautifully. These glorious
insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued,
before a great portion of the English language was boiled down to
four-letter words!

The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, 'If you were
my husband, I'd give you poison,' and he said, 'If you were my wife,
I'd take it.'

Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: 'Sir, you
will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.'
'That depends, sir,' said Disraeli, 'On whether I embrace your
policies or your mistress.'

'He had delusions of adequacy.' – Walter Kerr.

'He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.' -
Winston Churchill.

'A modest little person, with much to be modest about.'-Winston Churchill.

'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure.'-Clarence Darrow.

'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary.' - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big
words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner).

'Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it.' – Moses Hades.

'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know.' – Abraham Lincoln.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it.' - Mark Twain.

'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.'-Oscar Wilde.

'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one.'-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one!' - Winston Churchill, in response.

'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.' -
Stephen Bishop.

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.'- John Bright.

'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial.'-Irvin S. Cobb.

'He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.'
- Samuel Johnson.

'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.' -Jack
E. Leonard.

He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.'-Robert Redford.

'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
human knowledge.'-Thomas Brackett Reed.

'In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.' -
Charles, Count Talleyrand.

'He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.'-Forrest Tucker.

'Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?' – Mark Twain.

'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.' – Mae West.

'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.'- Oscar Wilde.

'He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…. for support,
rather than illumination. '- Andrew Lang (1844-1912).

'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.' – Billy Wilder.

'I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.' - Groucho Marx

Good bunch of Cartoons

Biggest Disasters

What's in a name????

Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers with their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."