Investment tips...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!! !

Welcome to the "Stock Market"!!!!!

Perks of the job

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting...

On a Saturday morning...

after breakfast...

Dad: People this is unacceptable.

You have to limit the use of the phone.

I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here,

I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too,

I never use the home phone.

I always use my company mobile.

Maid: So - what is the problem?

We all use our work telephones !!!!!

Classy Insults

When Insults Had Class.........

There was a time when words were used beautifully. These glorious
insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued,
before a great portion of the English language was boiled down to
four-letter words!

The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, 'If you were
my husband, I'd give you poison,' and he said, 'If you were my wife,
I'd take it.'

Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: 'Sir, you
will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.'
'That depends, sir,' said Disraeli, 'On whether I embrace your
policies or your mistress.'

'He had delusions of adequacy.' – Walter Kerr.

'He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.' -
Winston Churchill.

'A modest little person, with much to be modest about.'-Winston Churchill.

'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure.'-Clarence Darrow.

'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary.' - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big
words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner).

'Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it.' – Moses Hades.

'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know.' – Abraham Lincoln.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it.' - Mark Twain.

'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.'-Oscar Wilde.

'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one.'-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one!' - Winston Churchill, in response.

'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.' -
Stephen Bishop.

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.'- John Bright.

'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial.'-Irvin S. Cobb.

'He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.'
- Samuel Johnson.

'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.' -Jack
E. Leonard.

He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.'-Robert Redford.

'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
human knowledge.'-Thomas Brackett Reed.

'In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.' -
Charles, Count Talleyrand.

'He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.'-Forrest Tucker.

'Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?' – Mark Twain.

'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.' – Mae West.

'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.'- Oscar Wilde.

'He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…. for support,
rather than illumination. '- Andrew Lang (1844-1912).

'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.' – Billy Wilder.

'I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.' - Groucho Marx