Scool Scraps

1st grade proverbs....

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 1. Don't change horses until they stop running. 2. Strike while the bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but How? 6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty. 7. No news is impossible 8. A miss is as good as a Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new Math 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust Me. 12. The pen is mightier than the pigs. 13. An idle mind is the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's pollution. 15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is not much. 17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box 24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way. 25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you. And the WINNER and last one! 26. Better late than Pregnant

Bushisms

Sniff Sniff...

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on
the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and
puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the
man...The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and
asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.The second man
explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and
the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy
and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we
get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane takes
off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch
this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.Smithy jumps
down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy
then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's
arm.The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the
man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana,
so I'm making a note of her seat number and the
authorities will apprehend her when we land.' 'Say,
that's pretty neat,' replies the first man. Once
again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab
sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,
returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the
agent's arm. The agent says, 'That man is carrying
cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number
for the police.' 'I like it!' says his seat
mate. The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits
down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent,
jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the
place. The first man is really amazed now by this behaviour
and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would
behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going
on?' The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a
bomb.'

The Future of Nursery Rhymes

The future of nursery rhymes

It's Raining, It's Pouring
Oh sh!t, it's Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

.
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
'Pies you dummy!'

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @rse
And turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy

__._,_.__

Loving husband...........

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying
in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to
touch her in
ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and
then
began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid
his hand
across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over
one breast,
then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm,
caressed past the side of her breast again, working down
her side,
passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down
her leg to
her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at
the
uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same
manner on her
right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became
silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she
asked in
a loving voice, 'That was wonderful.

Why did you stop?'


'I found the remote,' he said.

Bob!!

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'





Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

Investment tips...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!! !

Welcome to the "Stock Market"!!!!!

English Can Be Funny?????

ENGLISH CAN BE FUNNY

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


In a London Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an London office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE
DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a London secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT
BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Notice in London health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS


Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


Seen during a London conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY
CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR


Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE
BULL CHARGES


Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET
LESSONS


On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK)


People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with
their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the
world.


At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO
THE GUARD ON DUTY.


Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.


Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.


In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE
MANAGER.


In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
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Singhh is KKinng !!!!!!!

Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar : Punjab ..
Boss : which part ?
Sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in Punjab .


2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car. /
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have one more.


Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.


Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from your auto.
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.


Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He gave Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass..


On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.


How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ?
Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it....

Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai.
Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: I'm falling in love.


Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.


A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein
Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.


At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?


Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got irritated.... . drank poison & said, Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!


NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE :
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...


Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Santa: Tipu's skeleton.
Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?
Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child

British Post Cards

FRIENDS VS. PUNJABI FRIENDS

FRIENDS VS. PUNJABI FRIENDS


FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
PUNJABI FRIENDS: Always bring the food.

FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'.
PUNJABI FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
PUNJABI FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
PUNJABI FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
PUNJABI FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just
being
together.

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
PUNJABI FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
PUNJABI FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' back-ends that left you.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
PUNJABI FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home!'

FRIENDS: will visit you in jail
PUNJABI FRIENDS: will spend the night in jail with you!!

FRIENDS: have you on speed dial
PUNJABI FRIENDS: have your number memorized

FRIENDS: Are for a while.
PUNJABI FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Are ready to eat and let u eat anything.
PUNJABI FRIENDS: zabardasti butter maar maar k parathe khilaate hain n
khud b datkar khate hain


Some people spend their whole life trying to be perfect, some are
just born Punjabis !!!

Classy Insults

When Insults Had Class.........

There was a time when words were used beautifully. These glorious
insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued,
before a great portion of the English language was boiled down to
four-letter words!

The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, 'If you were
my husband, I'd give you poison,' and he said, 'If you were my wife,
I'd take it.'

Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: 'Sir, you
will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.'
'That depends, sir,' said Disraeli, 'On whether I embrace your
policies or your mistress.'

'He had delusions of adequacy.' – Walter Kerr.

'He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.' -
Winston Churchill.

'A modest little person, with much to be modest about.'-Winston Churchill.

'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure.'-Clarence Darrow.

'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary.' - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big
words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner).

'Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it.' – Moses Hades.

'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know.' – Abraham Lincoln.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it.' - Mark Twain.

'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.'-Oscar Wilde.

'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one.'-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one!' - Winston Churchill, in response.

'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.' -
Stephen Bishop.

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.'- John Bright.

'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial.'-Irvin S. Cobb.

'He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.'
- Samuel Johnson.

'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.' -Jack
E. Leonard.

He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.'-Robert Redford.

'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
human knowledge.'-Thomas Brackett Reed.

'In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.' -
Charles, Count Talleyrand.

'He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.'-Forrest Tucker.

'Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?' – Mark Twain.

'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.' – Mae West.

'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.'- Oscar Wilde.

'He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…. for support,
rather than illumination. '- Andrew Lang (1844-1912).

'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.' – Billy Wilder.

'I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.' - Groucho Marx

Wisdom in Uniform

The quotes / incidents given below are mostly of the US, Canadian and the Brit Militaries, but are absotulely true of the Indian Mil as well.

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"...to follow the dictum of the British NCO who, when asked where his officers were, replied, 'When it comes time to die, they'll be with us.'" - Richard A. Gabriel and Paul L. Savage, Crisis in Command: Mismanagement in the Army; 1978

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There is a saying in the Navy that if you want someone to think, ask an officer. But if you want it done, ask a chief...nicely! - Tom Clancy, Marine; A Guided Tour of a Marine Expeditionary Unit, 1996

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As the CSM of U.S. Army Special Operations Command, one of my duties was to give a class to commanders and senior enlisted advisors in the Pre-Command Course, on the subject of officer/NCO relationships and the role of the 1SG/CSM. One of the things I would tell them includes this story:

"During the basic course for brand new lieutenants, the instructor presented them with a problem to solve. They were told that the mission was to erect a flag pole. They had one sergeant and three privates. The lieutenants were given 30 minutes to formulate a course of action, after which the instructor asked for solutions. Each lieutenant explained in detail how the job could best be accomplished. Finally the instructor gave them the right answer: 'Sergeant, I want the flag pole here; I'll be back in two hours to inspect.'" I think that story, true or not, tells us all we need to know about officer/NCO relationships. -CSM Jimmie W. Spencer, letter 1 Sep 1997

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Hollywood knows there's something about a sergeant. When you see a television show or a movie, the camera may focus on the officers. You know the stereotypes: the rookie lieutenant, the aggressive colonel, the intellectual general. But I guarantee you, somewhere in that presentation will be a tough old sergeant, with hashmarks up to the elbow. He stands for experience, common sense, and wisdom. He's Gary Cooper in Sergeant York or James Earl Jones in Gardens of Stone. He is Lou Gossett in An Officer and a Gentleman, telling candidate Mayo that the service is not about flying airplanes, it's about character.... For America, the sergeant is the Army. - Gen Gordon R. Sullivan, address "America’s Noncommissioned Officer Corps- into The 21st Century." Speech File Service, 2nd Quarter, Fiscal Year 1994

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How to be a Successful Subaltern

• Rule Number 1: Know your enemy and avoid him.
  The subaltern's natural adversary is, of course, the Adjutant....
• Rule Number 2: Know your enemy and supervise his bath.
  There are many units that employ a fifth column in the shape of a ‘senior subaltern.' ...
• Rule Number 3: Know your enemy and charm her.
  The Commanding Officer will be married ...
• Rule Number 4: Know your enemies and join them.
  Passing reference has been made to the wives' club ... the [successful subaltern] offers his services to the wives' club as its ‘Military Coordinator.' ...
• Rule Number 5: Know your enemy and don't be his assistant.
  The bane of every young officer's life is the extra-mural jobs that he is given on top of running his platoon or troop. ...
• Rule Number 6: Drink water in the Sergeant's Mess. ...

- Sustainer, British Army Review, Number 60, December 1978

MAXIMS

1. Never do other people's work unless you are driven to it if you do, you will get an evil reputation for liking it.
2. Always ask for leave at al times and in all places. In the end, you will acquire a kind of right to it.
3. Remember that there is a time to work and a time to play. The time to work is when you are being watched.
4. Abandon every hope of individuality. In the Service it is considered indecent, and verges on insubordination. Most young officers join with a distressing amount of "originality," and it is only on reaching the status of member of the Army Council that an officer can be said to be completely purged of it.
5. Study the fads of your superiors. If the General is looking on, be assiduously practising his little hobby. It does not matter how foolish it is — in fact the sillier it is the more he will like it, as he fully appreciates the fact that you are making a fool of yourself for his benefit. The same rule applies to the C.O.. Only in a lesser degree. The higher the rank, the more abandoned your antics should become. This is why so much leave is required in the Army, the mental strain on the zealous officer being excessive. - The Young Officer's Guide to Knowledge, by Senior Major, Fourth Edition, 1915

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Subalterns should treat their seniors as they would a rich uncle from whom they have expectations. - Royal Canadian School of Infantry, Hints for Young Officers, Halifax, N.S., May 1931

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The first thing a young officer must do when he joins the Army is to fight a battle, and that battle is for the hearts of his men. If he wins that battle and subsequent similar ones, his men will follow him anywhere; if he loses it, he will never do any real good. - Montgomery of Alamein

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"Morale? I'll tell you what morale is. Morale is when a soldier thinks his army is the best in the world; his regiment the best in the army; his company the finest in .the regiment; his squad the best in the company; and that he himself is the best damned soldier in the whole outfit."

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The German General Staff, the story goes, used to divide army officers into four categories: the clever and lazy, the clever and hard-working, the stupid and lazy, and the stupid and hard- working. The best Generals, the Germans found, came from the clever and lazy; the best staff officers emerged from the clever and hard-working; the stupid and lazy could be made useful as regimental officers; but the stupid and hard-working were a menace, to be disposed of as soon as possible.

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Soldiering would be all right if it only consisted of the band and the Mess; no damned men or horses. - famous words of a British cavalry officer

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I'm glad Sir, that you have no Staff College officers on your staff, I don't like Staff College officers. My experience of Staff College officers is that they are conceited, and they are dirty! Brains? I don't believe in brains...my Military Secretary, and a damned good one he is too, is the stoopidest man I ever came across. - The Duke of Cambridge (1819-1904) on the value of Staff College graduates (here speaking to the GOC of a district)

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January 27, 1918 (Sunday) Ronssoy
"Am I Offensive enough?" is one of the questions laid down in a pamphlet that reaches us from an Army school some 30 miles behind the line. It is for the subaltern to ask himself each morning as he rises from his bed.
Most laudable! But, as the Lewis Gun Officer remarked to-day, it is one of the paradoxes of war that the further you get from the battle line the more 'offensive' are the people you meet. - Rowland Feilding, War Letters to a Wife, France and Flanders, 1915-1919, 1930

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Everyone knows that enthusiasm amongst the junior officers is the most fundamental of all necessities for the well-being of a unit; with it, the worst defects can be righted; without it, even what seems to be right is of little value. - Major M.K. Wardle, DSO, MC, Foundations of Soldiering, 1936

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If the exercise is subsequently talked about in the officers' mess, it is probably worthwhile; if there is argument over it in the sergeants' mess, it is a good exercise; while if it should be mentioned in the corporals' room, it is an undoubted success. - Sir AP Wavell, in the Journal of the Royal United Services Institution, May 1933

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"Captain is such a dashing title. I've always thought." She gave him a bright, brittle smile. "I mean, colonels and so on are always so stuffy, majors are pompous, but one always feels somehow that there is something delightfully dangerous about a captain." - Terry Pratchet, Guards, Guards

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There is a vast difference between being a staff officer and being a commander. The staff officer is never totally responsible--the commander always is. For that reason, although a good commander usually will make a good staff officer, the opposite is not necessarily true. - General J. Lawton Collins

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Well Sir, history shows that at the start of every war we have always fought the wrong way and have had to learn from expensive failures. It is now peace; therefore the only doctrine that we can be certain is wrong is that in the text books. That is why I didn't read it last night sir. - from The Owl: Inter Service Staff College, Wellington, India, 1964

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Discipline is simply the art of making the soldiers fear their officers more than the enemy. – Helvetius

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If you want to talk to men, it doesn't matter whether they are private soldiers or staff officers, if you want to talk to them as a soldier, and not as a politician, there are only two things necessary. The first is to have something to say that is worth saying, to know what you want to say: and the second, and terribly important thing, is to believe in yourself. Don't go and tell men something you don't believe yourself, because they'll spot it and if they don't spot it at the time, they'll find out. Then you're finished. - Gen. Sir William Slim (Viscount Slim)

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No man is a leader until his appointment is ratified in the minds and hearts of his men. - Anonymous, 1948

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Why is it my cavalry officers exude panache, but cannot spell it? - attributed to BGen Reay while Commander of 1 Canadian Mechanized Brigade Group

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A piece of paper makes you an officer, a radio makes you a commander. - General Omar Bradley

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The officers' mess. Everything revolved around the mess. Mess dinners. Mess social events. Mess bar. It was every regiments' central gathering place for exchanging ideas, jokes, scandals and complaints. There were happy messes, sad messes, stuffy messes and casual messes. But there were no nonalcoholic messes in the Canadian or British (or for that matter, the Indian) armies. - from "The Making of a Warrior", Land Force Staff Course handout, 1998.