1st grade proverbs....

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 1. Don't change horses until they stop running. 2. Strike while the bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but How? 6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty. 7. No news is impossible 8. A miss is as good as a Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new Math 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust Me. 12. The pen is mightier than the pigs. 13. An idle mind is the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's pollution. 15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is not much. 17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box 24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way. 25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you. And the WINNER and last one! 26. Better late than Pregnant

Bushisms

The Future of Nursery Rhymes

The future of nursery rhymes

It's Raining, It's Pouring
Oh sh!t, it's Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

.
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
'Pies you dummy!'

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @rse
And turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy

__._,_.__

Little Ralphy... Is he Little Johnny's brother??

---

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.

He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if

you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

English Can Be Funny?????

ENGLISH CAN BE FUNNY

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


In a London Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an London office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE
DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a London secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT
BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Notice in London health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS


Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


Seen during a London conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY
CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR


Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE
BULL CHARGES


Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET
LESSONS


On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK)


People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with
their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the
world.


At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO
THE GUARD ON DUTY.


Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.


Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.


In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE
MANAGER.


In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
________________________________

Singhh is KKinng !!!!!!!

Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar : Punjab ..
Boss : which part ?
Sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in Punjab .


2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car. /
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have one more.


Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.


Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from your auto.
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.


Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He gave Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass..


On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.


How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ?
Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it....

Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai.
Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: I'm falling in love.


Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.


A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein
Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.


At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?


Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got irritated.... . drank poison & said, Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!


NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE :
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...


Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Santa: Tipu's skeleton.
Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?
Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child

British Post Cards

FRIENDS VS. PUNJABI FRIENDS

FRIENDS VS. PUNJABI FRIENDS


FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
PUNJABI FRIENDS: Always bring the food.

FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'.
PUNJABI FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
PUNJABI FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
PUNJABI FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
PUNJABI FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just
being
together.

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
PUNJABI FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
PUNJABI FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' back-ends that left you.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
PUNJABI FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home!'

FRIENDS: will visit you in jail
PUNJABI FRIENDS: will spend the night in jail with you!!

FRIENDS: have you on speed dial
PUNJABI FRIENDS: have your number memorized

FRIENDS: Are for a while.
PUNJABI FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Are ready to eat and let u eat anything.
PUNJABI FRIENDS: zabardasti butter maar maar k parathe khilaate hain n
khud b datkar khate hain


Some people spend their whole life trying to be perfect, some are
just born Punjabis !!!

Classy Insults

When Insults Had Class.........

There was a time when words were used beautifully. These glorious
insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued,
before a great portion of the English language was boiled down to
four-letter words!

The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, 'If you were
my husband, I'd give you poison,' and he said, 'If you were my wife,
I'd take it.'

Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: 'Sir, you
will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.'
'That depends, sir,' said Disraeli, 'On whether I embrace your
policies or your mistress.'

'He had delusions of adequacy.' – Walter Kerr.

'He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.' -
Winston Churchill.

'A modest little person, with much to be modest about.'-Winston Churchill.

'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure.'-Clarence Darrow.

'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary.' - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big
words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner).

'Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it.' – Moses Hades.

'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know.' – Abraham Lincoln.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it.' - Mark Twain.

'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.'-Oscar Wilde.

'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one.'-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one!' - Winston Churchill, in response.

'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.' -
Stephen Bishop.

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.'- John Bright.

'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial.'-Irvin S. Cobb.

'He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.'
- Samuel Johnson.

'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.' -Jack
E. Leonard.

He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.'-Robert Redford.

'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
human knowledge.'-Thomas Brackett Reed.

'In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.' -
Charles, Count Talleyrand.

'He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.'-Forrest Tucker.

'Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?' – Mark Twain.

'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.' – Mae West.

'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.'- Oscar Wilde.

'He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…. for support,
rather than illumination. '- Andrew Lang (1844-1912).

'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.' – Billy Wilder.

'I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.' - Groucho Marx

Good bunch of Cartoons

Biggest Disasters

Humor in Uniform

It is very important to keep your sense of humor when everything around you is going beserk. In stressful combat situations, if you can keep your wits about you, you are sure to last out much longer and come out in one piece.
Here is a collection of a wacky look at the US forces in Iraq.
Militaries the world over share a common bond, so most of these will appear familiar irrespective of the nationality.