Wisdom in Uniform

The quotes / incidents given below are mostly of the US, Canadian and the Brit Militaries, but are absotulely true of the Indian Mil as well.

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"...to follow the dictum of the British NCO who, when asked where his officers were, replied, 'When it comes time to die, they'll be with us.'" - Richard A. Gabriel and Paul L. Savage, Crisis in Command: Mismanagement in the Army; 1978

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There is a saying in the Navy that if you want someone to think, ask an officer. But if you want it done, ask a chief...nicely! - Tom Clancy, Marine; A Guided Tour of a Marine Expeditionary Unit, 1996

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As the CSM of U.S. Army Special Operations Command, one of my duties was to give a class to commanders and senior enlisted advisors in the Pre-Command Course, on the subject of officer/NCO relationships and the role of the 1SG/CSM. One of the things I would tell them includes this story:

"During the basic course for brand new lieutenants, the instructor presented them with a problem to solve. They were told that the mission was to erect a flag pole. They had one sergeant and three privates. The lieutenants were given 30 minutes to formulate a course of action, after which the instructor asked for solutions. Each lieutenant explained in detail how the job could best be accomplished. Finally the instructor gave them the right answer: 'Sergeant, I want the flag pole here; I'll be back in two hours to inspect.'" I think that story, true or not, tells us all we need to know about officer/NCO relationships. -CSM Jimmie W. Spencer, letter 1 Sep 1997

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Hollywood knows there's something about a sergeant. When you see a television show or a movie, the camera may focus on the officers. You know the stereotypes: the rookie lieutenant, the aggressive colonel, the intellectual general. But I guarantee you, somewhere in that presentation will be a tough old sergeant, with hashmarks up to the elbow. He stands for experience, common sense, and wisdom. He's Gary Cooper in Sergeant York or James Earl Jones in Gardens of Stone. He is Lou Gossett in An Officer and a Gentleman, telling candidate Mayo that the service is not about flying airplanes, it's about character.... For America, the sergeant is the Army. - Gen Gordon R. Sullivan, address "America’s Noncommissioned Officer Corps- into The 21st Century." Speech File Service, 2nd Quarter, Fiscal Year 1994

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How to be a Successful Subaltern

• Rule Number 1: Know your enemy and avoid him.
  The subaltern's natural adversary is, of course, the Adjutant....
• Rule Number 2: Know your enemy and supervise his bath.
  There are many units that employ a fifth column in the shape of a ‘senior subaltern.' ...
• Rule Number 3: Know your enemy and charm her.
  The Commanding Officer will be married ...
• Rule Number 4: Know your enemies and join them.
  Passing reference has been made to the wives' club ... the [successful subaltern] offers his services to the wives' club as its ‘Military Coordinator.' ...
• Rule Number 5: Know your enemy and don't be his assistant.
  The bane of every young officer's life is the extra-mural jobs that he is given on top of running his platoon or troop. ...
• Rule Number 6: Drink water in the Sergeant's Mess. ...

- Sustainer, British Army Review, Number 60, December 1978

MAXIMS

1. Never do other people's work unless you are driven to it if you do, you will get an evil reputation for liking it.
2. Always ask for leave at al times and in all places. In the end, you will acquire a kind of right to it.
3. Remember that there is a time to work and a time to play. The time to work is when you are being watched.
4. Abandon every hope of individuality. In the Service it is considered indecent, and verges on insubordination. Most young officers join with a distressing amount of "originality," and it is only on reaching the status of member of the Army Council that an officer can be said to be completely purged of it.
5. Study the fads of your superiors. If the General is looking on, be assiduously practising his little hobby. It does not matter how foolish it is — in fact the sillier it is the more he will like it, as he fully appreciates the fact that you are making a fool of yourself for his benefit. The same rule applies to the C.O.. Only in a lesser degree. The higher the rank, the more abandoned your antics should become. This is why so much leave is required in the Army, the mental strain on the zealous officer being excessive. - The Young Officer's Guide to Knowledge, by Senior Major, Fourth Edition, 1915

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Subalterns should treat their seniors as they would a rich uncle from whom they have expectations. - Royal Canadian School of Infantry, Hints for Young Officers, Halifax, N.S., May 1931

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The first thing a young officer must do when he joins the Army is to fight a battle, and that battle is for the hearts of his men. If he wins that battle and subsequent similar ones, his men will follow him anywhere; if he loses it, he will never do any real good. - Montgomery of Alamein

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"Morale? I'll tell you what morale is. Morale is when a soldier thinks his army is the best in the world; his regiment the best in the army; his company the finest in .the regiment; his squad the best in the company; and that he himself is the best damned soldier in the whole outfit."

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The German General Staff, the story goes, used to divide army officers into four categories: the clever and lazy, the clever and hard-working, the stupid and lazy, and the stupid and hard- working. The best Generals, the Germans found, came from the clever and lazy; the best staff officers emerged from the clever and hard-working; the stupid and lazy could be made useful as regimental officers; but the stupid and hard-working were a menace, to be disposed of as soon as possible.

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Soldiering would be all right if it only consisted of the band and the Mess; no damned men or horses. - famous words of a British cavalry officer

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I'm glad Sir, that you have no Staff College officers on your staff, I don't like Staff College officers. My experience of Staff College officers is that they are conceited, and they are dirty! Brains? I don't believe in brains...my Military Secretary, and a damned good one he is too, is the stoopidest man I ever came across. - The Duke of Cambridge (1819-1904) on the value of Staff College graduates (here speaking to the GOC of a district)

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January 27, 1918 (Sunday) Ronssoy
"Am I Offensive enough?" is one of the questions laid down in a pamphlet that reaches us from an Army school some 30 miles behind the line. It is for the subaltern to ask himself each morning as he rises from his bed.
Most laudable! But, as the Lewis Gun Officer remarked to-day, it is one of the paradoxes of war that the further you get from the battle line the more 'offensive' are the people you meet. - Rowland Feilding, War Letters to a Wife, France and Flanders, 1915-1919, 1930

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Everyone knows that enthusiasm amongst the junior officers is the most fundamental of all necessities for the well-being of a unit; with it, the worst defects can be righted; without it, even what seems to be right is of little value. - Major M.K. Wardle, DSO, MC, Foundations of Soldiering, 1936

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If the exercise is subsequently talked about in the officers' mess, it is probably worthwhile; if there is argument over it in the sergeants' mess, it is a good exercise; while if it should be mentioned in the corporals' room, it is an undoubted success. - Sir AP Wavell, in the Journal of the Royal United Services Institution, May 1933

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"Captain is such a dashing title. I've always thought." She gave him a bright, brittle smile. "I mean, colonels and so on are always so stuffy, majors are pompous, but one always feels somehow that there is something delightfully dangerous about a captain." - Terry Pratchet, Guards, Guards

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There is a vast difference between being a staff officer and being a commander. The staff officer is never totally responsible--the commander always is. For that reason, although a good commander usually will make a good staff officer, the opposite is not necessarily true. - General J. Lawton Collins

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Well Sir, history shows that at the start of every war we have always fought the wrong way and have had to learn from expensive failures. It is now peace; therefore the only doctrine that we can be certain is wrong is that in the text books. That is why I didn't read it last night sir. - from The Owl: Inter Service Staff College, Wellington, India, 1964

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Discipline is simply the art of making the soldiers fear their officers more than the enemy. – Helvetius

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If you want to talk to men, it doesn't matter whether they are private soldiers or staff officers, if you want to talk to them as a soldier, and not as a politician, there are only two things necessary. The first is to have something to say that is worth saying, to know what you want to say: and the second, and terribly important thing, is to believe in yourself. Don't go and tell men something you don't believe yourself, because they'll spot it and if they don't spot it at the time, they'll find out. Then you're finished. - Gen. Sir William Slim (Viscount Slim)

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No man is a leader until his appointment is ratified in the minds and hearts of his men. - Anonymous, 1948

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Why is it my cavalry officers exude panache, but cannot spell it? - attributed to BGen Reay while Commander of 1 Canadian Mechanized Brigade Group

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A piece of paper makes you an officer, a radio makes you a commander. - General Omar Bradley

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The officers' mess. Everything revolved around the mess. Mess dinners. Mess social events. Mess bar. It was every regiments' central gathering place for exchanging ideas, jokes, scandals and complaints. There were happy messes, sad messes, stuffy messes and casual messes. But there were no nonalcoholic messes in the Canadian or British (or for that matter, the Indian) armies. - from "The Making of a Warrior", Land Force Staff Course handout, 1998.

Humor in Uniform

It is very important to keep your sense of humor when everything around you is going beserk. In stressful combat situations, if you can keep your wits about you, you are sure to last out much longer and come out in one piece.
Here is a collection of a wacky look at the US forces in Iraq.
Militaries the world over share a common bond, so most of these will appear familiar irrespective of the nationality.

A Few Quick Ones

Advertisement in A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale ... Cheap ... no strings attached.

Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

Seen on a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. More The Success, More The Relatives.

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking ... I Gave Up Reading .

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses ....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick! Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off.

Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance.'

Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.

Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions.

Sign in a shop corner introducing new products:
Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.

Sign in a Hospital ward:
Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone.

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon:
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.

A Traffic Slogan:
Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough
Or Else They Will Never Be.

Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment
Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlour Window:
Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here.
She May Be Your Grandmother!

Murphy’s Laws of Armor

(Editor’s Note: The following mysteriously arrived in the ARMOR
Magazine email-box without credit to an author...but he is obviously
a very wise armor guy with a little time on his treads.)
1. Just after you report “Redcon 1” for your qualification run,
you will realize that you desperately need to take a leak.
2. The fuel truck will run out of fuel just before he gets to
your tank.
2a. You will run out of fuel before he returns.
3. Tanks don’t float.
4. If a supply sergeant is given a choice between death and
going to the field with his unit,
he will ask for a few minutes to
“Think it over.”
5. Attempting to help recover
a mired tank will only result in
your tank becoming mired also.
6. The primary purpose of an
operations order is to ensure
that all blame falls on the line
units.
6a. For this reason, the staff
will not publish an operations
order until after the exercise is
completed.
7. Night vision devices will
only fail at night.
7a. They will function perfectly
once the sun rises.
8. The dirtier and more tired
you are, the less appreciative
you become of “constructive
criticism” from somebody in a
pristine uniform.
9. The heater on your tank
will fail in October. The part to
repair it will arrive in April.
10. No matter how minor the ailment, a visit to the medics
will result in an I.V.
10a. Arguing with the medics about this will result in your
being evacuated in a neck brace and back board (in addition
to the I.V.).
11. When loading the main gun, remember: “pointy end
first.”
12. The only times you will throw a track are: a. At night, b.
in the rain, c. during the movement back to garrison, or d. one
hour after you installed the new ones.
13. Your vehicle will go NMC right after the contact team
leaves the AO.
14. All infantry fighting vehicles don’t look alike.
15. Shaking trees to your front mean that you are being
hunted by helicopters.
16. When you are told your engineer support was needed
elsewhere, the bridge will be out.
17. The exercise will finish and you’ll get back to garrison
just after the wash rack closes.
18. If all else fails, shoot at the muzzle flashes — the larger
ones are the dangerous ones, the smaller ones are infantry.
18a. The infantry muzzle flashes you ignore are covering an
anti-tank team setting up.
19. “Rebel yells” are not proper FM radio procedure after a
successful Table VIII shoot.
20. XO math: 3 pacs on the
ground + no fueler + 2 deadlines =
100% FMC.
21. Close air support is safest
from far away.
22. Proving that three feet of
frontal armor protection will defend
against any threat is probably best
demonstrated on someone else’s
track.
23. Hearing an “Aw, shit” soon
after an “on-the-waaay!” means
you’re probably not getting that
promotion.
24. Tanks are very easy to see
unless you’re dismounted and
they’re backing up.
25. The one time you skip the
firing circuit test is when you have
the misfire.
26. “GUNNER, SABOT, SNIPER”
is not an appropriate use of ammunition.
27. It is cruel to tell NBC types
“Damn, that Fox looks like a BMP!”
— particularly when live rounds
are being issued.
28. Blackout drive + autobahn + 0345 = polizei.
29. Unsecured turrets will only swing freely mid-way
through a rail tunnel.
30. When doing a gunnery, the tank is always operational
until you get to the ready line.
31. If you are promised “downtime,” what they really mean
is: You will be breaking track.
32. First sergeant math: Buy Gatorade for $1.49 each and
sell for $1.00 each — with the profits going to the unit fund.

Armed Forces Dictionary

THE ARMED FORCES DICTIONARY

Blamestorming

- Sitting around the Headquarters discussing why a suspense was missed or a mission failed and who was responsible.

Assmosis

- The process by which some people seem to absorb success and promotability by kissing up to the commander.

Adminisphere

- The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the Battalion level. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are generally profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Seagull Colonel

- A colonel who swoops in, makes a lot of noise, and dumps stuff all over everything.

Salmon Day

- The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CRM - Career Restricting Move

- Used among officers to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing core values or discussing Multi National Company pay scale, while your commander is within earshot, is serious CRM.

Flying Pay

- The Rs. 7000/- a month paycheck you'll earn when you get out and continue to fly until you're a senior captain at Jet Airways.

On Battle Tanks and Blanks by George Timothy

George Timothy (with apologies to Lewis Caroll)

ON BATTLE TANKS AND BLANKS

“The time has come” the Colonel said,

“When I must get promoted,

Every other fool has been,

And this my nagging wife has noted,

For I have battled long enough

To gain a glorious name,

And if my battles none I have won

Its because my horse is lame.

But just this once I must succeed,

And you my staff must tell

How with what we haven to got,

We can fight the foe”

“Fight the foe?” the staff echoed

“That we dare not do.

For though he is much weaker

He is also so much meeker

So why this talk of fighting foe

When we could just turn tail and go”.

“A plan, you fools” the Colonel screamed

“One plan for every man

To tell him what he should not do

To win a war or two”.

So on they reached a dead end

While the Colonels face much reddened.

Till spoke a passing madman

The Colonel’s passing batman

“A mighty charge with battle tanks

Supporting arms to fire blanks”.

Which set the Colonel thinking

And his staff a blinking.

The Colonel now a General is

His statues looming large

His conquests wide and varied

His ugly daughter married

He still proclaims the art of war

Now echoed far and near

“A mighty charge with battle tanks

Supporting arms to fire blanks."