Loving husband...........

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying
in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to
touch her in
ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and
then
began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid
his hand
across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over
one breast,
then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm,
caressed past the side of her breast again, working down
her side,
passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down
her leg to
her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at
the
uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same
manner on her
right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became
silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she
asked in
a loving voice, 'That was wonderful.

Why did you stop?'


'I found the remote,' he said.

Bob!!

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'





Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

Singhh is KKinng !!!!!!!

Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar : Punjab ..
Boss : which part ?
Sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in Punjab .


2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car. /
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have one more.


Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.


Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from your auto.
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.


Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He gave Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass..


On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.


How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ?
Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it....

Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai.
Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: I'm falling in love.


Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.


A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein
Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.


At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?


Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got irritated.... . drank poison & said, Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!


NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE :
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...


Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Santa: Tipu's skeleton.
Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?
Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child

British Post Cards

Perks of the job

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting...

On a Saturday morning...

after breakfast...

Dad: People this is unacceptable.

You have to limit the use of the phone.

I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here,

I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too,

I never use the home phone.

I always use my company mobile.

Maid: So - what is the problem?

We all use our work telephones !!!!!

Classy Insults

When Insults Had Class.........

There was a time when words were used beautifully. These glorious
insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued,
before a great portion of the English language was boiled down to
four-letter words!

The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, 'If you were
my husband, I'd give you poison,' and he said, 'If you were my wife,
I'd take it.'

Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: 'Sir, you
will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.'
'That depends, sir,' said Disraeli, 'On whether I embrace your
policies or your mistress.'

'He had delusions of adequacy.' – Walter Kerr.

'He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.' -
Winston Churchill.

'A modest little person, with much to be modest about.'-Winston Churchill.

'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure.'-Clarence Darrow.

'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary.' - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big
words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner).

'Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it.' – Moses Hades.

'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know.' – Abraham Lincoln.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it.' - Mark Twain.

'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.'-Oscar Wilde.

'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one.'-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one!' - Winston Churchill, in response.

'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.' -
Stephen Bishop.

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.'- John Bright.

'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial.'-Irvin S. Cobb.

'He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.'
- Samuel Johnson.

'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.' -Jack
E. Leonard.

He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.'-Robert Redford.

'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
human knowledge.'-Thomas Brackett Reed.

'In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.' -
Charles, Count Talleyrand.

'He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.'-Forrest Tucker.

'Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?' – Mark Twain.

'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.' – Mae West.

'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.'- Oscar Wilde.

'He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…. for support,
rather than illumination. '- Andrew Lang (1844-1912).

'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.' – Billy Wilder.

'I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.' - Groucho Marx

Twisters

· Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

· A man's home is his castle,in a manor of speaking.

· Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

· Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

· A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

· A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

· Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

· Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

· Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

· Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

· When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

· A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

· What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

· Time flies like an arrow.Fruit flies like a banana.

· In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

· She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

· A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

· If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

· With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

· When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

· You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it

· Every calendar's days are numbered.

· A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

· A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

· He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

· A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

· Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

· Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis

· Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

· Acupuncture is a jab well done.