* They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true. As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.
* Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.
* Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!
* Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.
* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
* Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
* Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
* Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Marriage
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Some Clever Business Signs
Some Clever Business Signs
1) At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
2) In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there hungry. Come on in and get fed-up."
3) In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
4) On a Plumber's Shop: "We repair what your husband fixed."
5) On the trucks of a plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call us."
6) Pizza Shop Slogan: "Seven days without pizza makes one weak."
7) At a Tyre Shop: "Invite us to your next blowout."
8) On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
9) At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
10) On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
11) In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and put you out."
12) On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're No.1 in the No.2 business."
13) On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
14) At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
15) Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
16) At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be de-Lighted."
17) In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Please drive carefully. We will wait"
Real Observations
The following gems of wisdom were
gleaned from test papers and essays from
elementary, junior high, high school, and
college students :-
1. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and
Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water."
2. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
3. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines
down on them and makes them perspire."
4. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so
they look like umbrellas."
5. "Momentum: What you give a person when they
are going away."
6. "To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it
in the cow."
7. "The parts of speech are lungs and air."
8. "The inhabitants of Moscow are called
Mosquitoes."
9. "A census taker is a man who goes from house
to house increasing the population."
10. "Most of the houses in France are made of
plaster of Paris."
11. "The spinal column is a long bunch of
bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on
the bottom."
12. "The word trousers is an uncommon noun
because it is singular at the top and plural
at the bottom."
13. "Iron was discovered because someone smelt
it."
14. "Syntax is all the money collected at the
church from sinners."
15. Beethoven wrote music even though he was
deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He
took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.
16. The sun never set on the British Empire
because the British Empire's in the East and
the sun sets in the West.
17. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is
chiefly noticeable in the fall when the apples
are falling off the trees.
18. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man
should be hanged twice for the same offence.
19. After his death, his career suffered a
dramatic decline.
20. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer
but by another man of that name.
21. Bach was the most famous composer in the
world and so was Handel. Handel was half
German, half Italian and half
English. He was very large.
22. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people,
and without them we wouldn't have history. The
Greeks also had myths. A myth is a
female moth.
23. The invention of the steamboat caused a
network of rivers to spring up.
24. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She
sat on a thorn for 63 years.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Styles of Management
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THEN THE EMPLOYEES.These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW.These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.
3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S.Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.
4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY.
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If He is good, He knows what she must do.
5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING.These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases.
6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING.These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.
7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION.Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. Beware of simulants from category 5 above!
8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS.These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they got more work to do.
9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS.In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.
10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS.If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.
11) MANAGING BY STUDYING.Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.
12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS.Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM.
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS.
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE.In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.
16) BUA MANAGEMENT( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS ).This management style is ATRASACWOC(Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication).
17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS.These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.
18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION.If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.
19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING.These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.
20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES.If you remind them to one of their promisses, the priority of that promise is to low to remember.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1)Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2)Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.. Don't Do It!
(5)Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6)That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7)Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' .. that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8)Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying -- YOU!
(9)Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
WHY ARE INDIANS EASY TO IDENTIFY
| Hi Folks, This is one of the best email I recd about us. We are the best folks in the entire world and should be proud of this fact. I had to share it with you all. > > > WHY ARE INDIANS EASY TO IDENTIFY |
Monday, September 7, 2009
Thank God for our Neighbourhood !
*These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats !!*
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night..
6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.
16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off..
17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Marriage
Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life! --Anonymous
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. --Oscar Wilde
Do not marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. --Scottish Proverb
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. --Sam Kinison
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you free. --Anonymous
Bachelors know more about women than married men do; if they did not, they would be married too. --H. L. Mencken
Men have a better time than women do do; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. --H. L. Mencken
'A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.'- U2
Marriage is a three-ring circus: --engagement ring ---wedding ring ---suffering.
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows the reason why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why?
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always. –Anonymous
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said,'Somewhere I have never been!' I told her, 'How about the kitchen?' --Anonymous.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate. –Anonymous
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. –Anonymous
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' Following her down the street I yelled, 'No, jump in.' --Anonymous
Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married. He says 'the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs...' --Anonymous.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, whom do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he will shut up after u let him in! --Anonymous.
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?' The first man approached him and said,'Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent? 'The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied 'My wife's first husband.'-
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled ' It really works!
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