Some tips for writers

 

 

Since we're now living in the time of e-mail (and blogs
and texts and Tweets) and the more common use of the written
language, it is time for an English lesson.

So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep
in mind when using the Queen's Engerlish:

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat).

6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.

9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad
too.

11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous.

14. One should never generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose
earth shattering ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when
its not needed.

27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me
what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times:
resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it
correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

 

Funnies

4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a
hospital waiting for their wives to give birth.

Soon, a nurse came out from the delivery room and told
the first daddy:"Congratulations, you've twins!".

"Oh!..... maybe it's just a coincidence" said the
daddy,"as I'm working at the Petronas Twin Towers".

Then another nurse came out of the room and told the
second daddy:"Congratulations, you've triplets!"

"Wooow!, this is a coincidence,too" said the second
daddy."I am working for 3M Corporation".

A while later, another nurse appeared and told the
third daddy: "Congratulations! your wife got
quadruplets"

"Thanks God. Perhaps this is also a coincidence"."I
work at Four Seasons Hotel!".

Meanwhile, the fourth daddy-to-be was becoming very
worried.

All the 3 daddies asked him: "Why do you look so
worried?".He answered, "...uhmmm.... I'm working at
Seven-Eleven!"

|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|
Two Sardars were walking together...

Pehla: Oye marr gaye. Meri biwi aur meri premika ek
saath aa rahi hain..

Dusra: Oye main bhi yahi bolne wala tha....
|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|

"Help.... the Titanic is going to be drowned...."
Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or
praying to God...
Just then a Italian asks the nearby Sardarji in the
ship.
Italian : How far is land, from here ?
Sardarji : Two miles .
Italian : Only two miles, Then why are these fools
making noise.
I have got the experience of swimming even more.
The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes
up to the layer to ask something again.
Italian : Just tell me which side, is land two miles
from here ?
Sardarji : Downwards... !!
|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|

Two Sardars went into a pub and after ordering two
beers took some sandwiches out of their pockets and
started to eat them.
"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here,"
complained the pub-owner.
So the two sardars swapped (exchanged) their
sandwiches.

|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|
A sardar was very fond of sensational and detective
novels,but he always started reading from the middle.
A friend of his asked why he did so?"
It'z doubly interesting", said the Sardar. "TO start
from the middle keeps one curious not only about its
conclusion but also about its beginning
|====|===|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|

Once a Sardarji was going to his office.
On the way he slipped on a banana peel and was badly
hurt.
Next day , on his way to the office, he noticed a
banana peel and Later after two days, he noticed two
banana peels and exclaimed" ari sala, aaj to choice
hai"!!!!!!

|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|

A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the
pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were
in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly
soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?

The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are
Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and
Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected,
so your answer is correct. But how did you get only 12
seconds in a year?"
The Sardar replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,
March 2nd, etc...."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word
|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|


Nurse - "Mubarak ho.. Sardarji.. aap papa ban gaye.."
Sardarji - " Meri wife ko nahi bolna.. main use
surprise doonga..!"
|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|

Dr Chopra psychotherapist wanted 'Sign board' to be
pained in front of his clinic but our Sardar painter
painted "Dr Chorpa Psycho The Rapist"

|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|====|

What is the difference between WATCH & WIFE .........
Ek bigadti hai to bandh ho jati hai......

Doosari bigadati hai to "SHUROO' ho jati hai

======================================================

Ek sardar apne bete se bola : Bevakuf, kaisa machis
leke aaya hai, ek bhi tili nahin jalti.

Beta : Kya baat karte ho papa, sab tili test karke
laya hu.
======================================================

Man runs home yelling "Pack your bags honey. I just
won the 10 Million lotto.

Wife : Do I pack for the beach or mountains ?

Man : Who cares ? Just pack and get lost !

=============================================================

Doctor to Sardaar : App ka aur aapki biwi ka blood
group ek hi hai?

Sardaar : Hoga, Jarur hoga; 25 saalse mera khoon jo
pee rahi hai....

============================================================

A two seater plane crashed in a graveyard in Punjab
today........

Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are
still..... digging for more.

==========================================================

Sardar found answer to most difficult question
question ever What comes first - the chicken or the
egg ?

O yaar, jiska order pahele dooge, wo ayega !!!

 

 

For the Middle-Aged & those who will reach it one day

. wonderful composition --

 

CWG in Delhi Common Wealth Games....Too Good !!!!

 

A Picture is worth a thousand words

 

 

 

Think about it

* Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to
look for it in more places.

* Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it
sure keeps you from enjoying it.

* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of
the waist change places.

* Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great
ancestors.

* The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has
the same size bucket.

* When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet
you're in a public restroom.

* Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

* Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you
need it.

* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if
you wish they were.

* A closed mouth gathers no feet.

* A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has
found someone to blame it on.


* The world is full of willing people: some willing to work
and some willing to let them.

FW: Welcome to Bungalore

 

Confuscius Say

Thoughts by Ducky

'LIFE'  THOUGHTS  BY  'DUCKY'


 I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
 So I said 'Implants?'  She hit me.

 Marriage changes passion.
 Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

 How come we choose from just  two people to run for  president and
 over fifty for Miss   America ?

 I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
 loose fitting  clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't
 have signed up in the first place!

 Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able  to tell the  difference.

 Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we  could simply
 press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!


 Wouldn't you know it....
 Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live  forever.

Gujju Engleesh

These are extracts from actual letters sent to Leicester council and Housing associations written by Gujaratis:

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3.. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off. 

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have   crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy. 

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night. 

15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife

 

Nice Cartoons