Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the local football team?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
What is the definition of suspicious??
A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch
Q: Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A: Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.
When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?"
The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!"
Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons.
Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other, "Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?”
The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."
Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse then?"
Top 10 Things NOT To Say To Parents When Picking Up A Date.
10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?
There's nothing better than waking up to your girlfriend giving you a blowjob. Unless, maybe, it was your wife giving you the blowjob.
Or maybe your wife watching *her* girlfriend give you a blowjob.
Better yet, your wife and her girlfriend *and* your girlfriend all fighting over who gets to give you a blowjob and they all decide to tag team on the blowjob.
The common theme,though, would be getting a blowjob.
Two young newlyweds arrived at a posh hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite... The receptionist asked the bride, "Do you have any
Reservations?" The bride replied, "Yes. I'm not too sure about takin' it up the ass."
1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone..
I said, "Morning." He said, "No, just taking a shit".
2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.
3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child.
She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs."
She looked at me and said, "You did this to me you bastard!"
I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "It'll be too painful."
4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.
She told me that I had to quit masturbating.
I asked why, she said, "Because I am trying to examine you."
5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
6. My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies".
So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled it out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair.
She cried. I guess we don't watch the same movies.
Two men were in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests.
The first man says he picked up this girl last week and they agreed to go back to his house and have sex.
Once in the house the girl stripped off her clothes, lay down on the bed with legs apart and panted, "I want you to give me twelve inches and make me bleed."
The second man not for one moment believed his friend was that well-hung, asked what he did.
"Well" he says, "What could I do - I laid her twice and smacked her in the face!"
SHORTCHANGED PUSSY:
When the woman is extremely sexy and beautiful. She moves the right way
and oozes sensuality. When it comes to sex, she has no clue. The very
thought of stroking this Pussy can make you cum before its time. She
talks a good game but Cannot walk the talk. Kissing her is like
watching a cartoon. When she tries to guide your dick into her pussy,
she cuts it with her nails. By the time you get another boner, her
pussy is dry and feels like sandpaper. By the time you get it in, you find
out that your dick is too big for her short pussy. When you go to lick
the pussy you find out that it is a little tart and now you start
thinking to yourself, "How can such a fine woman be so feeble?"
Undaunted, you decide that you're going to make the best of a bad
situation and get your rocks off when she says "Don't cum in me because
I'm not taking anything."
~~~~~
SWEET LIPS:
This is substitute pussy. She sucks major dick. She sucks it so good
that your knees buckle. It was good enough to make you look for
something to hold onto. She can suck the chrome off of a car's bumper.
Then she slips your dick into her pussy and you realize that her mouth
was much better. You try to maneuver your dick back to her mouth any way
you can. This time you find something to hold onto -- her head --
because you now know that her Pussy is really a kitten and not yet ready
for prime time.
~~~~~
YES M'AM PUSSY:
This is the kind of pussy your mother warned you about. This pussy is
often misjudged because of the owners meek mannerisms. She is quiet,
reserved, caters to your every whim and shows no inkling of the treasure
that lies between her thighs. She seems to be a scholarly type but not
quite prudish. You think to yourself, "I'm gonna tear this pussy up,"
only to find that she was only playing possum. You were so caught off
guard that your whole fuck plan needed instant revision. She was your
equal having as much game as you. You must give her propers realizing
that you came within a bat's eyelash of having your brains fucked out.
Gentleman, be wary of this pussy and be prepared. Your best defense is a
good offense and a long stiff thick dick with staying power.
~~~~~
THUNDER THIGHS PUSSY:
(THE PUSSY YOU'RE GETTING FROM SOMEONE WHO IS NOT YOUR WOMAN)
Men who have cheated on their woman temporarily can say, "AMEN" to this
class of pussy. Men, this is the class of pussy that makes you cry and
confess to your woman you fucked someone else. The Thunder Thighs pussy
made you want to tell somebody. Thunder Thighs pussy is in a class of
its own. Thunder Thighs pussy will make you look and feel different
about the pussy you got at home. Thunder Thighs pussy makes you bust
several nuts (i.e., multiple orgasms). Makes you cry and you have no
clue to why. This pussy is so intense, when it is wrapped around your
dick it sends you into a trance. She has a smooth, undulating motion,
constantly asks you if your comfortable, you started at 6PM and it is
now going on 9PM and she is not tired and her pussy ain't sloppy yet.
She sucks on your dick as if she was a baby sucking on a pacifier, she
savors it like you're the main course meal. She sensuously flicks the
head of your dick with her tongue like a lollipop. By now you're in
shock and forget about your woman. When you're back with your woman,
you're wondering why she can't perform like Thunder Thighs pussy. You
even have the nerve to get mad and then instruct her to do what Thunder
thighs did to you.
~~~~~
THE STALKER PUSSY:
This is the pussy that pisses you off the most. You see, the woman you
boned for a fling or as a favor keeps coming back like a bad cold. If
she has a bad day at work, she "stalks your dick." If she has a bad
meal, "she stalks your dick." If she has a bad hair day, she "stalks
your dick." If she sees an ex, she "stalks your dick." No what, she
"stalks your dick." It is easy to tell if the woman you're with falls
into this category. She always uses phrases like these when she is
fucking you: "DON'T RUN FROM THIS PUSSY." "AIN'T THIS SOME SWEET PUSSY?"
"TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS PUSSY." "WHAT IS MY NAME?" "WHO'S DICK IS THIS?"
"TALK TO ME DADDY, I DON'T HEAR YOU TALKING SHIT NOW," and finally, "YOU
LIKE WHEN YOU IN THIS PUSSY AND WHIPPIN' IT!"
~~~~~
TUNA PUSSY:
This is the pussy that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. You can
recognize it easily because she may have cats swarming around her or
everybody at the local pub knows her name. When you walk into a room,
you know she is there or was there. This is dangerous pussy. The problem
is that the babe is fine and you ain't had no pussy in a long while. The
dog in you wants some pussy. You know that this pussy is experienced and
could put a hurt on you in more ways than one. This is the pussy you
don't want anyone to know you sampled. You DON'T EAT this pussy. After
you sample this pussy, you immediately take a shower or at the very
least scrub your dick in the sink with some disinfectant.
~~~~~
WATERING HOLE PUSSY:
This is good convenient pussy. Easy pussy. Pussy you can call when your
body needs a fix. She gives you major head like SWEET LIPS PUSSY, and
fucks you like THUNDER THIGHS PUSSY. Only thing is, you do not have a
woman so you're not feeling guilty. Whenever you call, this pussy is
ready. Her pussy craves your dick. This pussy is available in any place
at anytime.
~~~~~
GODDAMN PUSSY:
Men, now this is pussy that will definitely send you to hell if you're
not married to it. This pussy is just like YES M'AM PUSSY and THUNDER
THIGHS PUSSY. Her pussy is snug-not too tight-and juicy. She can
accommodate larger than average size dick. She has good control of her
pussy muscles which can make any size dick feel at home. This pussy
makes you numb, cry and pray all at the same time. While you are giving
it to her doggy style or with you laying down and she sits on top of
you, you look towards the heavens and say, "GODDAMN THIS IS SOME GOOD
PUSSY!!"
~~~~~
AMAZON PUSSY:
Gentlemen, this is the gold mine pussy. This pussy is the pussy that you
commit yourself too. You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept
secret. In fact, you constantly crave and feign for this pussy. When you
get this pussy, you go through convulsions. This is the pussy that makes
you READY even when you ain't. You call in sick from work for it. This
pussy is so major it is YES M'AM PUSSY, WATERING HOLE PUSSY, THUNDER
THIGHS PUSSY and GODDAMN PUSSY all in one. This is the pussy that you
want to put insurance on, just in case anything should happen to it.
This pussy makes you stutter while, speaking and has you nervous for no
reason!!!!
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