Two Liners

WASHINGTON ORGANISED A COMPETITION OF TWO-LINE POEMS IN WHICH FIRST LINE MUST BE THE MOST ROMANTIC, BUT SECOND LINE SHOULD BE THE LEAST ROMANTIC.

These are the Finalists:

1. "My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife, 😍
Marrying you screwed up my life." 😝

2. "I see your face when I am Dreaming. 😍
That's why I always wake up screaming." 😝

3. "Kind, intelligent, loving and Hot; 😃
This describes everything you are not." 😜

4. "I love your smile, your face and your eyes, 😃
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!" 😝

5. "My feelings for you, no words can tell, 😍
Except for maybe 'Go to Hell!! '.." 😝

6. "What inspired this amazing rhyme? 😄
Two parts tequila, one part lime!"

Old British Post Cards

 

 

 

Pithy Sayings

Wish I'd Said That! Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day.  Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.             ~ Timothy Jones ***** When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.  They said 'Let us pray.'  We closed our eyes.  When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.             ~ Desmond Tutu  ***** America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.             ~ David Letterman  ***** I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.  God dammit, I'm a billionaire.             ~ Howard Hughes  ***** After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.             ~ Italian proverb ***** Men are like linoleum floors.  Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.             ~ Betsy Salkind  ***** The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.             ~ Jean Kerr  ***** I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.             ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor  ***** You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.             ~ Jeff Foxworthy  ***** When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.             ~ Prince Philip  ***** A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.             ~ Emo Philips.  ***** Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.             ~ Harrison Ford  ***** The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.             ~ Spike Milligan  ***** Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.             ~ Robin Hall  ***** Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.             ~ Jean Rostand.  ***** Having more money doesn't make you happier.  I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.             ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.  ***** We are here on earth to do good unto others.  What the others are here for, I have no idea.             ~ WH Auden  ***** In hotel rooms I worry.  I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.             ~ Jonathan Katz  ***** If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.             ~ Johnny Carson  ***** I don't believe in astrology.  I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.             ~ Arthur C Clarke  ***** Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.             ~ Steve Martin ***** Home cooking.  Where many a man thinks his wife is.             ~ Jimmy Durante  ***** As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.             ~ John Glenn  ***** If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?             ~ Steven Wright  ***** America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.             ~ Doug Hamwell  ***** The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.             ~ George Roberts  ***** If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport             ~ Jonathan Winters  ***** I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.             ~ Robert Benchley

The Babu's bible

1. Rule No. 1. Be reactive and Not pro-active. Hasten slowly.
2. Rule No 2.  Do Not create waves.  Flow with the water. Just be a processor and not be a facilitator. that is NOT your  mandate.
3. Rule No. 3. Have No fixed conviction or commitments or views. At least do not display them.
4. Rule No 4. Process and procedure is most important and not the end result. Stick to them as long as it helps you to remain inactive.
5. Rule No 5. Remain non committal. Act sincere, do nothing.
6. Rule No 6. When in doubt, sleep over the matter and procrastinate as much as you can.
7. Rule No 7. There are NO rewards for good work. If you go wrong your neck is online. Do nothing.
8. Rule No 8. Cite rules. There is some rule for every sin, inaction, action or position that you may be in, to justify it. Look after your own interest and manoeuvre best positions and postings for yourself.
9. Rule No. 9.  Accumulate wealth and maintain good public relations with those who matter in the hierarchy.
10. Rule No 10. Avoid controversy and side step when difficult situation comes up. Pass the buck when things get hot.
11. Rule No 11. Things will remain what they are. Your actions/inactions and contribution do not matter.
12. Rule No 12. People and their problems are NO concern of yours. They have been born to live like that. You are the privileged one. Do not identify with common people.
13. Rule No 13. Look after yourself. Watch your back.
14. Rule No 14. Do not trust sincere, dedicated and honest type of colleagues and other activists They are nothing but trouble.
15. Rule No. 15. There is nothing called absolute fact/truth. Everything has many dimensions and sides. Always defend your action by highlighting the side that justifies your position.  Always side with the winner.
16. Rule No 16. Babus NEVER retire. Ensure lining up a cosy post retirement assignment.
17. Rule No 17. Never get trapped in idealism, patriotism, honesty, fair play, professional or personal integrity etc. These are just vague and unrealistic concepts and should never affect your actions.
18. Rule No 18. Never promote or recommend anyone from any other cadre/discipline (other than your own cadre) for any valuable position /post/assignment however suited, appropriate and capable that person maybe for the same. Always maintain parochial interest and promote it to the best of your ability.
19. Rule No 19. Always pull down anyone who may be competent and able to out run you. trip him/her unabashedly.
20. Rule No 20. Be very careful of those who are genuinely good, able, motivated and visionary. They are highly dangerous for our peace and carefree existence.

* The term 'babu' refers to bureaucrats and other government officials in India.

 

Wordplay

Some very clever puns........enjoy :-)

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period...

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop
quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection. urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The
police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!