What marriage means

Happy Mothers Day to all!!!

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . 
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.' 

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . 
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!' 

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. 
' Because I said so, that's why.' 

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . 
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.' 

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.' 

7. My mother taught me IRONY 
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.' 

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.' 

9.. My mother taught me about CONTORTION ISM . 
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?' 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.' 

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.' 

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!' 

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE . 
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.' 

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. 
'Stop acting like your father!' 

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.' 

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 
'Just wait until we get home.' 

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING . 
'You are going to get it when you get home!' 

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.' 

19. My mother taught me ESP. 
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?' 

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR. 
'When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don't come running to me.' 

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . 
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.' 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 
'You're just like your father.' 

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 
' Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?' 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.' 

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE 
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'

 

Boldest action safest

 

 

 

 

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room.

 

One candidate is our Kutty.

 

Bill Gates: Thank you for coming.

Those who do not know JAVA may leave.

 

2000 people leave the room.

 

Kutty says to himself,

'I do not know JAVA, but I have

nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try !'

 

Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave.

 

2000 people leave the room.

 

Kutty says to himself

'I never managed anybody by

myself, but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me ?' So he stays.

 

Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.

 

500 people leave the room.

 

Kutty says to himself,

 

'I left school at 15, but what

have I got to lose ?' So he stays in the room.

 

Lastly,

Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo-Croat to leave.

 

498 people leave the room.

 

Kutty says to himself,

 

'I do not speak one word of

Serbo-Croat but what do I have to lose ?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate; Everyone else has gone.

 

Bill Gates joined them and said

 

'Apparently you are the only

two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'

 

Calmly, Kutty turns to the other candidate and says

 

'Naatil Evddey ?' (where are U From?)

 

The other candidate answers…

 

'Thrissur'

TOOOOOOOOO GUD!

 

 

Banta's Mom wrote a letter to Banta.. who's in USA...:-

 

 

Dear Banta
Vahe Guru !

I am in a well here and hoping you are in the same well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.

I wont be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to bring our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain same too.

This place is really nice.. It even has a washing machine, situated right ab ove the commode. I'm not sure it works. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket...

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is really badmash. He told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in this club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in a nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned.. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried at sea after he died.. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

P.S: Beta, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter

Addicted to Technology

 

 

Puns, Puns & More Puns...

 

Subject: Puns Puns and more Puns

 

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
  
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
  
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
  
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says "A beer please, and one for the road."
  
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
  
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
    "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
    "Is it common?"
    "Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
    "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
    "It's true! No bull!" exclaims Daisy.
  
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
  
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
  
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
  
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
  
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
 
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
  
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
  
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
  
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
  
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal."  The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.   Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
  
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.   This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

You know you are a Fauji Kid if...

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A PURE BREED FAUJI KID IF:
 
1. You were born in a Military Hospital
 2. Half your toddler years were spent being looked after by  Bhaiyas ( no  explanation here)
 3. You went to school either on Bhaiya's cycle or in a  Shaktiman
 4 .You know what a shaktiman is. ( No! it isnt the TV serialabout half man  and half machine starring AB lookalike)
 5. Jeeps & Jongas dont excite you - they were your  regular mode of transport!
 6 .The only alternative to the Central School was the Army  School.
 7. You always called Kendriya Vidyalaya Central School. Gosh even today that  sounds better!
 8. Your entire family could survive in one room temporary  quarters with 25  trunks, wooden crates, the dog, the bedroll and two bhaiyas  flitting around.
 9. The smell of Brasso & shoe polish was regular  staple.
10 .Mess was not what you created in your room, it was where  you went every  Friday for the free "english" movie.
11 .The "English Movie" was very often a western  and you couldnt follow a  word! Sometimes you just went for the samosas and the local
 drink that they  insisted was Cola.
 12. At the end of the month your dad had to pay for many  pink slips showing  how many samosas and local drinks that they insisted was
 Cola you had  consumed. They never missed any!!!
13. You attended many May Queen Balls before you knew what  Miss India was.
14 .Your mother regularly got dressed, perfumed and dissappeared for the  Ladies Club.
 15 .You knew towns like Mhow, Wellington, Deolali and Bhuj
 16 You   werent a millionaire but hey you had Swimming, Horse  Riding, Squash, Tennis and Golf!!
 14. You thought the main reason to have a Golf Course was to  have a Holi Bash.
15. You can still take one quick look at the epaulets and  figure out the  rank.
 16. You discussed wednesday's Chitrahaar in the  Shaktiman.
17 .You can still recall the special & particular smell  of the CSD canteen! A  special prize for the correct concoction - mine is - it was  a mix of Hamam  Soap, Ponds Dreamflower Talc & Surf i think. In some  corners it had  overtures of Brooke Bond red Label as well.
18. Your vacations were a package deal consisting of  D-forms, Sharma Uncle Ka  jonga and Army Mess ka kamra.

 

3 Answers Men Are Afraid Of

3 Answers Men Are Afraid Of

 

1. (Whatever)

 

Men: What to have for dinner?
Women: Whatever...

 

Men: Why don't we have steamboat?
Women: Don't want, once i ate steamboat and later got pimples on my face.

 

Men: Alright, why don't we have Si Chuan cuisine.
Women: Yesterday we ate Si Chuan, why eat it today again?

 

Men: Hm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is no good, i ate it once, then later I got diarrhea.

 

Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Whatever..

 

2. (Anything)

 

Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything

 

Men: How about watching movie? It's been a Long time since we
watched movie.
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's waste time.

 

Men: How about bowling, or do some exercises?
Women: Exercise in such hot day?

 

Men: Then let's find a cafe and have coffee.
Women: Drinking coffee will affect my sleep

 

Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Anything

 

3. (You decide)

 

Men: Then we just go home
Women: You decide

 

Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. I don't want.

 

Men: Ok we will take a Taxi
Women: Not worth it... for such a short distance

 

Men: Alright, then we walk.
Women: What! Walk with an empty stomach?

 

Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: You decide

 

Men: Let's have dinner first
Women: Whatever...

 

Men: What to eat?
Women: Anything

 

Business is business!!!!

One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20."

As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"