Some Universal Laws

Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time!!)

Law of the Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces

The chances of a bread slice/ toast with jam on it landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance

If the shoe fits, it's ugly…

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking

A closed mouth gathers no feet…

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it…

Doctors' Law

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick…

A Few Quick Ones

Advertisement in A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale ... Cheap ... no strings attached.

Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

Seen on a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. More The Success, More The Relatives.

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking ... I Gave Up Reading .

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses ....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick! Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off.

Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance.'

Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.

Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions.

Sign in a shop corner introducing new products:
Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.

Sign in a Hospital ward:
Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone.

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon:
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.

A Traffic Slogan:
Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough
Or Else They Will Never Be.

Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment
Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlour Window:
Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here.
She May Be Your Grandmother!

Murphy’s Laws of Armor

(Editor’s Note: The following mysteriously arrived in the ARMOR
Magazine email-box without credit to an author...but he is obviously
a very wise armor guy with a little time on his treads.)
1. Just after you report “Redcon 1” for your qualification run,
you will realize that you desperately need to take a leak.
2. The fuel truck will run out of fuel just before he gets to
your tank.
2a. You will run out of fuel before he returns.
3. Tanks don’t float.
4. If a supply sergeant is given a choice between death and
going to the field with his unit,
he will ask for a few minutes to
“Think it over.”
5. Attempting to help recover
a mired tank will only result in
your tank becoming mired also.
6. The primary purpose of an
operations order is to ensure
that all blame falls on the line
units.
6a. For this reason, the staff
will not publish an operations
order until after the exercise is
completed.
7. Night vision devices will
only fail at night.
7a. They will function perfectly
once the sun rises.
8. The dirtier and more tired
you are, the less appreciative
you become of “constructive
criticism” from somebody in a
pristine uniform.
9. The heater on your tank
will fail in October. The part to
repair it will arrive in April.
10. No matter how minor the ailment, a visit to the medics
will result in an I.V.
10a. Arguing with the medics about this will result in your
being evacuated in a neck brace and back board (in addition
to the I.V.).
11. When loading the main gun, remember: “pointy end
first.”
12. The only times you will throw a track are: a. At night, b.
in the rain, c. during the movement back to garrison, or d. one
hour after you installed the new ones.
13. Your vehicle will go NMC right after the contact team
leaves the AO.
14. All infantry fighting vehicles don’t look alike.
15. Shaking trees to your front mean that you are being
hunted by helicopters.
16. When you are told your engineer support was needed
elsewhere, the bridge will be out.
17. The exercise will finish and you’ll get back to garrison
just after the wash rack closes.
18. If all else fails, shoot at the muzzle flashes — the larger
ones are the dangerous ones, the smaller ones are infantry.
18a. The infantry muzzle flashes you ignore are covering an
anti-tank team setting up.
19. “Rebel yells” are not proper FM radio procedure after a
successful Table VIII shoot.
20. XO math: 3 pacs on the
ground + no fueler + 2 deadlines =
100% FMC.
21. Close air support is safest
from far away.
22. Proving that three feet of
frontal armor protection will defend
against any threat is probably best
demonstrated on someone else’s
track.
23. Hearing an “Aw, shit” soon
after an “on-the-waaay!” means
you’re probably not getting that
promotion.
24. Tanks are very easy to see
unless you’re dismounted and
they’re backing up.
25. The one time you skip the
firing circuit test is when you have
the misfire.
26. “GUNNER, SABOT, SNIPER”
is not an appropriate use of ammunition.
27. It is cruel to tell NBC types
“Damn, that Fox looks like a BMP!”
— particularly when live rounds
are being issued.
28. Blackout drive + autobahn + 0345 = polizei.
29. Unsecured turrets will only swing freely mid-way
through a rail tunnel.
30. When doing a gunnery, the tank is always operational
until you get to the ready line.
31. If you are promised “downtime,” what they really mean
is: You will be breaking track.
32. First sergeant math: Buy Gatorade for $1.49 each and
sell for $1.00 each — with the profits going to the unit fund.