(Editor’s Note: The following mysteriously arrived in the ARMOR
Magazine email-box without credit to an author...but he is obviously
a very wise armor guy with a little time on his treads.)
1. Just after you report “Redcon 1” for your qualification run,
you will realize that you desperately need to take a leak.
2. The fuel truck will run out of fuel just before he gets to
your tank.
2a. You will run out of fuel before he returns.
3. Tanks don’t float.
4. If a supply sergeant is given a choice between death and
going to the field with his unit,
he will ask for a few minutes to
“Think it over.”
5. Attempting to help recover
a mired tank will only result in
your tank becoming mired also.
6. The primary purpose of an
operations order is to ensure
that all blame falls on the line
units.
6a. For this reason, the staff
will not publish an operations
order until after the exercise is
completed.
7. Night vision devices will
only fail at night.
7a. They will function perfectly
once the sun rises.
8. The dirtier and more tired
you are, the less appreciative
you become of “constructive
criticism” from somebody in a
pristine uniform.
9. The heater on your tank
will fail in October. The part to
repair it will arrive in April.
10. No matter how minor the ailment, a visit to the medics
will result in an I.V.
10a. Arguing with the medics about this will result in your
being evacuated in a neck brace and back board (in addition
to the I.V.).
11. When loading the main gun, remember: “pointy end
first.”
12. The only times you will throw a track are: a. At night, b.
in the rain, c. during the movement back to garrison, or d. one
hour after you installed the new ones.
13. Your vehicle will go NMC right after the contact team
leaves the AO.
14. All infantry fighting vehicles don’t look alike.
15. Shaking trees to your front mean that you are being
hunted by helicopters.
16. When you are told your engineer support was needed
elsewhere, the bridge will be out.
17. The exercise will finish and you’ll get back to garrison
just after the wash rack closes.
18. If all else fails, shoot at the muzzle flashes — the larger
ones are the dangerous ones, the smaller ones are infantry.
18a. The infantry muzzle flashes you ignore are covering an
anti-tank team setting up.
19. “Rebel yells” are not proper FM radio procedure after a
successful Table VIII shoot.
20. XO math: 3 pacs on the
ground + no fueler + 2 deadlines =
100% FMC.
21. Close air support is safest
from far away.
22. Proving that three feet of
frontal armor protection will defend
against any threat is probably best
demonstrated on someone else’s
track.
23. Hearing an “Aw, shit” soon
after an “on-the-waaay!” means
you’re probably not getting that
promotion.
24. Tanks are very easy to see
unless you’re dismounted and
they’re backing up.
25. The one time you skip the
firing circuit test is when you have
the misfire.
26. “GUNNER, SABOT, SNIPER”
is not an appropriate use of ammunition.
27. It is cruel to tell NBC types
“Damn, that Fox looks like a BMP!”
— particularly when live rounds
are being issued.
28. Blackout drive + autobahn + 0345 = polizei.
29. Unsecured turrets will only swing freely mid-way
through a rail tunnel.
30. When doing a gunnery, the tank is always operational
until you get to the ready line.
31. If you are promised “downtime,” what they really mean
is: You will be breaking track.
32. First sergeant math: Buy Gatorade for $1.49 each and
sell for $1.00 each — with the profits going to the unit fund.
Magazine email-box without credit to an author...but he is obviously
a very wise armor guy with a little time on his treads.)
1. Just after you report “Redcon 1” for your qualification run,
you will realize that you desperately need to take a leak.
2. The fuel truck will run out of fuel just before he gets to
your tank.
2a. You will run out of fuel before he returns.
3. Tanks don’t float.
4. If a supply sergeant is given a choice between death and
going to the field with his unit,
he will ask for a few minutes to
“Think it over.”
5. Attempting to help recover
a mired tank will only result in
your tank becoming mired also.
6. The primary purpose of an
operations order is to ensure
that all blame falls on the line
units.
6a. For this reason, the staff
will not publish an operations
order until after the exercise is
completed.
7. Night vision devices will
only fail at night.
7a. They will function perfectly
once the sun rises.
8. The dirtier and more tired
you are, the less appreciative
you become of “constructive
criticism” from somebody in a
pristine uniform.
9. The heater on your tank
will fail in October. The part to
repair it will arrive in April.
10. No matter how minor the ailment, a visit to the medics
will result in an I.V.
10a. Arguing with the medics about this will result in your
being evacuated in a neck brace and back board (in addition
to the I.V.).
11. When loading the main gun, remember: “pointy end
first.”
12. The only times you will throw a track are: a. At night, b.
in the rain, c. during the movement back to garrison, or d. one
hour after you installed the new ones.
13. Your vehicle will go NMC right after the contact team
leaves the AO.
14. All infantry fighting vehicles don’t look alike.
15. Shaking trees to your front mean that you are being
hunted by helicopters.
16. When you are told your engineer support was needed
elsewhere, the bridge will be out.
17. The exercise will finish and you’ll get back to garrison
just after the wash rack closes.
18. If all else fails, shoot at the muzzle flashes — the larger
ones are the dangerous ones, the smaller ones are infantry.
18a. The infantry muzzle flashes you ignore are covering an
anti-tank team setting up.
19. “Rebel yells” are not proper FM radio procedure after a
successful Table VIII shoot.
20. XO math: 3 pacs on the
ground + no fueler + 2 deadlines =
100% FMC.
21. Close air support is safest
from far away.
22. Proving that three feet of
frontal armor protection will defend
against any threat is probably best
demonstrated on someone else’s
track.
23. Hearing an “Aw, shit” soon
after an “on-the-waaay!” means
you’re probably not getting that
promotion.
24. Tanks are very easy to see
unless you’re dismounted and
they’re backing up.
25. The one time you skip the
firing circuit test is when you have
the misfire.
26. “GUNNER, SABOT, SNIPER”
is not an appropriate use of ammunition.
27. It is cruel to tell NBC types
“Damn, that Fox looks like a BMP!”
— particularly when live rounds
are being issued.
28. Blackout drive + autobahn + 0345 = polizei.
29. Unsecured turrets will only swing freely mid-way
through a rail tunnel.
30. When doing a gunnery, the tank is always operational
until you get to the ready line.
31. If you are promised “downtime,” what they really mean
is: You will be breaking track.
32. First sergeant math: Buy Gatorade for $1.49 each and
sell for $1.00 each — with the profits going to the unit fund.
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