Laugh all the way to the bank

 

How do you define optimism? 

A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday. 

What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? The pizza can still feed a family of four. 

As a surprise, a chief exec's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating: '. . . and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.' 

Why  have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning? 
Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon. 

Q: What's the difference between a merchant bank and Katie Price? 
A: Both are institutions whose reputation is built on assets that, on closer inspection, turn out to be entirely artificial, vastly over-inflated and in danger of going through the floor at any moment. But at least Katie Price is still worth something. 

What do you call five hedge fund managers at the bottom of the ocean? 
A good start.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon? 
The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari. 

A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?' The policeman replies: 'The Prime Minister is so depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. 'He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we're taking up a collection for him.' The lobbyist asks: 'How much have you got so far?' The officer replies: 'About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.' 

The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed.  

Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed.  They've called in the retrievers. 

What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything? 
A Quarter-pounder with fries, please. 

Overheard in a City bar: 'This credit crunch is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.' 

The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped: 'insufficient funds.' 
Is it them or me? 

Bradford & Bingley employees are concerned they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander Bank. 
A Government spokesman said: 'No one expected the Spanish acquisition.' 

What's the difference between the BBC's Business Editor Robert Peston and God? 
God doesn't think he's Robert Peston. 

You know it's a credit crunch when... 
• The cashpoint asks if you can spare any change. 
• There's a 'buy one, get one free' offer  -  on banks. 
• The Inland Revenue is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.
• Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and started sucking his thumb.
• Your builder asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than sterling.
• Highgrove has been repossessed.
• Victoria Beckham is pictured shopping in Primark.
• Alistair Darling's eyebrows have turned white.

 

RIP: The amusing memorial to the economy erected in the City of London

I talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. 

He sold me one outside Boots yesterday.

What's the capital of Iceland? 
About £3.50. 

An architect, a surgeon and an economist are discussing the Creation. The surgeon says: 'Look, we surgeons are most important. God's a surgeon because the first thing he did was to extract Eve from Adam's rib.' The architect says: 'No, wait a minute, God is an architect. He made the world in seven days out of chaos.' The economist smiles: 'And who made the chaos?' 

A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.' 

Money talks. Trouble is, mine knows only one word: 'Goodbye.' 

A young man asked an elderly rich man how he made his money. 'Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last penny, so I invested that penny in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold that apple for ten pennies. 'The next morning I bought two apples, spent the day polishing them and sold them for 20 pennies. I continued this for a month, by which time I'd accumulated a fortune of £1.37. 'Then my wife's father died and left us £2 million.' 

What have an Icelandic bank and an Icelandic streaker got in common? 
They both have frozen assets. 

A director decided to award a prize of £50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the credit crunch. 
It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10. 

News from the Far East

Uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Laughing through the financial pain: Two of best credit crunch spoofs found on the internet

And finally

Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit. Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: 'You know, I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person very happy.' Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: 'Well, I could throw five £10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy.' Gordon says: 'Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy.' The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: 'I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole country happy.'