Funny one liners

 

*   I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in,

 she said: Cheque books.

 

 *   The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the

 prices of new car.

 

 *   What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

 

  *   What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

 A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

 

 *   Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.

 

   *   Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?

New employee: Yes, sir.

 Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

 

 *   Q: Why dogs don't marry?

 

 

 

A: Because they are already leading a  dog's  life!

 

 *   Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?

A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

 

 *   Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again.

Why?

 

Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.

Reasons not to mess with children !!!!!!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

 

 

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

 

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

 

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

 

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

 

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

 

 

 

 

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

 

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

 

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God..'

 

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

 

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

 

 

 

 

 A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

 

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

 

From the back,  one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

 

 

 

 

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

 

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

 

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

 

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

 

 

 

I love this one!

 

    The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

 

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

 

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

 

 

  A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

 

'Yes,' the class said.

 

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

 

A little fellow shouted,

'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

 

 

I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR

 

   The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

 

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

 

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

 

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want.. God is watching the apples.'

Bosses

 

Lexiphiles

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Demotivational Posters

 

Luvverly Old Poems