Some Good Quotes (UNCLASSIFIED)

Sometimes,  when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a  virgin..'
-    Lillian  Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had  a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read  the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a  wall.'
- Eleanor  Roosevelt

Last week, I  stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been  visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that  statement..
- Mark  Twain

The secret  of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the  two as close together as possible
- George  Burns

Santa Claus  has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor  Borge

Be careful  about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark  Twain

By all  means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,  you'll become a philosopher.
-  Socrates

I was  married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho  Marx

My wife has  a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to  breathe.
Jimmy  Durante

I have  never  hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa  Gabor

Only Irish  coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol,  caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex  Levine

My luck is  so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop  dying.
Rodney  Dangerfield

Money can't  buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of  misery.
Spike  Milligan

Until I was  thirteen, I thought my name was  SHUT  UP .
Joe  Namath

I don't feel  old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my  nap.
Bob  Hope

I never  drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in  it..
W. C.  Fields

We could  certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through  Congress.
- Will  Rogers

Don't worry  about avoiding temptation.     As you grow  older, it will avoid you.
- Winston  Churchill

Maybe it's  true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall  out, or spread out..
- Phyllis  Diller

By the time  a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go  anywhere.
- Billy  Crystal

And the  cardiologist' s diet:  -   If it tastes  good spit it out.