Silence in Court !

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you? WITNESS:     My name is Susan!  ____________________________________________    ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________     ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active? WITNESS:     No , I just lie there..  ____________________________________________    ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS:     Yes. ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS:     I forget.. ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________     ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS:     We both do. ATTORNEY:  Voodoo? WITNESS:     We do.. ATTORNEY:  You do? WITNESS:     Yes , voodoo.  ____________________________________________    ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________    ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS:      He's 20, much like your IQ.  ___________________________________________    ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS:     Are you shitting me? _________________________________________     ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS:     Yes. ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS:     Getting laid.  ____________________________________________    ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right? WITNESS:     Yes. ATTORNEY:  How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls? WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________    ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS:     By death.. ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS:     Take a guess.  ____________________________________________   ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual? WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female? WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________    ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.  ______________________________________   ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________    ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS:     Oral....  _________________________________________   ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________    ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?  ______________________________________   And last:   ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS:     No. ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS:     No. ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing? WITNESS:     No.. ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS:     No. ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

Laws of Life

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five. 

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed. 

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay. 

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens. 

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else. 

* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references. 

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag. 

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot. 





These two girlfriends are very close, allowing them to be totally honest with each other. 

As one fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date, she remarked, "I'm fat." 

"No, you're not," the other scolded. 

"My hair is awful." 

"It looks just fine." 

"I've never looked worse," she whined. 

"Yes, you have," her friend replied.