Good old postcards

Christmas Capers

The New Talk of Women and Men

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.


2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.


3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.


6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.


7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.


8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.


9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.


10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.


11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.


12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGE > FACILITY.


2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.


3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.


4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.


5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.


6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.


7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.


8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.


9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.


10. He is not a WANKER - He is an OWNER OPERATOR. 

 

Court room exhanges!!

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS : By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr.Dentonwas dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

_____________________________________
And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

Pun Fun

"Some people are music lovers. Other can love without it."

--Woody Allen
.............

"Sex like a game of bridge.

If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner."

--Woody Allen

 

 

The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

That's nice. What good is inclination if you don't have the time?

=======

Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup.

After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.

He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."

The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Maybe it has a leek in it."

=====

 

Does a nurse have to be artistic to draw blood?
=======

Americans are getting stronger.

Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry $10 worth of groceries.

Today, a five-year-old can do it.

=========

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors

and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"

The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes, "I'm afraid so... I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and
we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy."

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies, "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection?"

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says, "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."
========

Man to woman: "If I flip a coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?"

===========

Without fangs you'll hear vampires complain
"Hey this sucks!" but I'd like to explain
If they can't make you bleed
They will never succeed
And their biting will all be in vein
=====

====

"Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives."

=======

Did you hear about the cannibal policeman who was arrested?

He was caught grilling his suspects.

======

"Ideal": My turn to shuffle.

======

When the team stayed in a hotel, the tallest player slept longer.

========

Out to lunch one day, a couple of immigrants were having a fine time until Hymie began to gag!
"I---I tink I svallowed a bone," Hymie gasped.
"Hymie," said Morris, "are you choking?"
"No, demmit, I'm serious!"

========

She divorced him because of his flat feet. His feet were always in the wrong flat.

==========

When they asked the two monocles why they never got together, they said they'd like to,

but didn't want to make spectacles of themselves.
========

Sorry I cannot be at wedding... Please send me a photo of Bride and Groom mounted.
======

=====

Unemployed teachers have no class.

=======

There once was a student named Bessor

Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser.

It at last grew so small

He knew nothing at all

And today he's a college professor!

========

Deftnitions.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

-----

Arrears: What we hear with.

-----

Selfish : What the owner of a seafood store does.

-----

Hymen: Males after smoking pot.
=======

The health inspector was aghast to see the pastry cook crimping the
edge of the apple pie with a set of false teeth.

"Haven't you got a tool for that?"

"Yes, but I save that for putting holes in the doughnuts." he replied.
========

Book Titles: "The Burglar" by Robin Banks.

=======

=======

The astronomer quit his job to become a barber. Eclipse hair now.

======

Doctor:  "What are you taking for your cold?"
Patient:  "I don't know. What will you give me?"    

=======

The mother flea was sad because her children were going to the dogs.

========

Outcome has a lot to do with income.

===

Sure, I felt stupid, but I was also mighty relieved when my doctor told me the burning sensation

I was experiencing while urinating was due to standing too close to the campfire.

========

Top secret:  Another name for toupee.

=======

Sean Connery has agreed to do one more James Bond movie.
The villain is a doctor who is a proctologist.
The movie title will be "Dr. Coldfinger."
=======

=======

Yesterday's stress is past tense.

========

Some children were playing outside near a nunnery.....

Flocks of birds would frequently fly over them and shit, at which point the children would yell at the
top of their lungs, "F#%k off! F#%k off!"

The Mother Superior, hearing the foul language, rushed out of the nunnery and confronted them.
"Children," she said, "I'm shocked at your awful language!"

At that very moment, the birds flew over and shit on the Mother Superior who raised both arms and vigorously
waved her hands at the birds who immediately flew away.

"See," she said triumphantly to the children, "I didn't use bad language and they f#%ked off!"

======

 

Sex Guru

Never dance naked because the body has parts that do not stop moving when the music stops.

Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard

 

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

Make love not war because Condoms are cheaper than Guns!

Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society; but always remember who laid them!

Money is just like arse.... everybody has it, but.... nobody wants to give it !

Education is like hiring a prostitute, it needs both money & hard work .

Viagra now available in powder to put in tea, does nothing for erections but stops your biscuit from going soft.

When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes unwiped.

Men play the game. Women know the score.

A girl who opens her hands receives gifts. Who opens her heart receives love. Who opens her legs receives HAPPINESS.

Wives are funny creatures... They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does!

Guys are like roses, just watch out for the pricks.

College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in and nine months later you wish you'd never come.

Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you.

Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you are the same sperm that won a battle against a million others.

The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.

Here is the definition of divorce..... . ..She gets the ring and the man gets the finger!

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Confucius say......man who puts hand in bush is not always a gardener!

A botany student has brought to our attention the fact that Penis is the only thing that has to be grown before it is planted!

The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water: not before or after, but instead.

 

 

Scool Scraps