Pun Fun

"Some people are music lovers. Other can love without it."

--Woody Allen
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"Sex like a game of bridge.

If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner."

--Woody Allen

 

 

The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

That's nice. What good is inclination if you don't have the time?

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Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup.

After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.

He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."

The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Maybe it has a leek in it."

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Does a nurse have to be artistic to draw blood?
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Americans are getting stronger.

Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry $10 worth of groceries.

Today, a five-year-old can do it.

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A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors

and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"

The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes, "I'm afraid so... I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and
we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy."

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies, "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection?"

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says, "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."
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Man to woman: "If I flip a coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?"

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Without fangs you'll hear vampires complain
"Hey this sucks!" but I'd like to explain
If they can't make you bleed
They will never succeed
And their biting will all be in vein
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"Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives."

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Did you hear about the cannibal policeman who was arrested?

He was caught grilling his suspects.

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"Ideal": My turn to shuffle.

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When the team stayed in a hotel, the tallest player slept longer.

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Out to lunch one day, a couple of immigrants were having a fine time until Hymie began to gag!
"I---I tink I svallowed a bone," Hymie gasped.
"Hymie," said Morris, "are you choking?"
"No, demmit, I'm serious!"

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She divorced him because of his flat feet. His feet were always in the wrong flat.

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When they asked the two monocles why they never got together, they said they'd like to,

but didn't want to make spectacles of themselves.
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Sorry I cannot be at wedding... Please send me a photo of Bride and Groom mounted.
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Unemployed teachers have no class.

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There once was a student named Bessor

Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser.

It at last grew so small

He knew nothing at all

And today he's a college professor!

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Deftnitions.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

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Arrears: What we hear with.

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Selfish : What the owner of a seafood store does.

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Hymen: Males after smoking pot.
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The health inspector was aghast to see the pastry cook crimping the
edge of the apple pie with a set of false teeth.

"Haven't you got a tool for that?"

"Yes, but I save that for putting holes in the doughnuts." he replied.
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Book Titles: "The Burglar" by Robin Banks.

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The astronomer quit his job to become a barber. Eclipse hair now.

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Doctor:  "What are you taking for your cold?"
Patient:  "I don't know. What will you give me?"    

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The mother flea was sad because her children were going to the dogs.

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Outcome has a lot to do with income.

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Sure, I felt stupid, but I was also mighty relieved when my doctor told me the burning sensation

I was experiencing while urinating was due to standing too close to the campfire.

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Top secret:  Another name for toupee.

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Sean Connery has agreed to do one more James Bond movie.
The villain is a doctor who is a proctologist.
The movie title will be "Dr. Coldfinger."
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Yesterday's stress is past tense.

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Some children were playing outside near a nunnery.....

Flocks of birds would frequently fly over them and shit, at which point the children would yell at the
top of their lungs, "F#%k off! F#%k off!"

The Mother Superior, hearing the foul language, rushed out of the nunnery and confronted them.
"Children," she said, "I'm shocked at your awful language!"

At that very moment, the birds flew over and shit on the Mother Superior who raised both arms and vigorously
waved her hands at the birds who immediately flew away.

"See," she said triumphantly to the children, "I didn't use bad language and they f#%ked off!"

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