Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Reports) and from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:

A gross ignoramus = 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
A room temperature IQ.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
One neuron short of a synapse.
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him 10 hours to watch 60 minutes.
This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Why Babies wear diapers - OUCH !!!

You Might be a Tanker, if:

Home grown cavaliers can identify with some of these !!!

the only ashtrays at home are 105mm shell casings.

you're always accusing your wife of turning the volume down on the TV, telephone, doorbell, etc.

you cannot pass gas without saying "On the way!"

you wish it wasn't illegal to stick your head out of the sunroof while driving.

you refer to Fort Knox as home.

you refer to George S. Patton as "Him".

you consider four as the right number of people to have in a family.

the only kind of scouts you are aware of are Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts.

you laugh whenever someone mentions the thrill of firing a big bore gun such as a .308.

"up" is no longer a direction to you.

you believe a hammer can fix anything.

you invite all your friends to a barbecue and all three show up.

you drive everywhere, even if it's two houses down.

your wife is always reminding you to bring the lounge chairs and cooler home.

you sleep better sitting in your chair than you do in your bed.

you can sleep through the worst thunderstorm but wake up immediately when your clock radio goes off.

you believe radial tires are overrated.

your hunting dog obeys such commands as; "halt", "traverse left/right", "forward" and identified".

you were doing drive-by shootings before they were a fad.

you think nothing of your kids peeing off the porch instead of using the bathroom.

you use old track to surround your wife's small garden.

you replace all your wife's flower vases with shinier ones after each gunnery.

you get mad whenever your wife puts anything away and it's not by the load plan.

it takes you a few extra minutes in the morning to remember that the throttle for your car is on the floor.

you use your child's telescope to track passing cars.

your child's first words are "Not my echelon".

you believe that a combat load should not interfere with the amount of coffee and propane you pack.

you would help your kids with math if only you had all your fingers.

Marine in the barbershop

A Marine enters a barber shop for a haircut and a shave. While the barber is

foaming him up, the Marine mentions that he always has problems getting a

close shave around the cheeks, that it looks sloppy and distracts from his

appearance.

"I have just the thing", says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a

nearby drawer. "Just get a wooden ball like this and place it between your

cheek and gum". "Here, let me show you how well it works".

The Marine places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds to give him

the closest shave the Marine has ever experienced. After a few more strokes

the Marine starts thinking about the ball in his mouth. So he asks in

garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?

"No problem", says the barber, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone

else does."

Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations

Murphys Law Of Combat Operations

Friendly fire - isn't.

Recoilless rifles - aren't.

Suppressive fires - won't.

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.

If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not.

No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

The easy way is always mined.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.

Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

Tracers work both ways.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

Weather ain't neutral.

If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.

The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

Napalm is an area support weapon.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.

If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.

Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.

So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.

The side with the simplest uniform wins...

The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.

The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.

Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?

How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?

Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?

Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.

The enemy "Alway's" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!!

The ammo you new "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!!

Rules of the Rucksack
1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.
2. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.
3. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.
4. No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.

Phillip's Law:
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

Weatherwax's Postulate:
The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.

Least Credible Sentences:
1. The check is in the mail.
2. The trucks will be on the drop zone.
3. Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
4. I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.

Brintnall's Second Law:
If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both.

Pavlu's Rules for Economy in Decision Papers:
1. Refute the last established recommendation.
2. Add yours.
3. Pass the paper on.

Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.

Lackland's Laws:
1. Never be first.
2. Never be last.
3. Never volunteer for anything.

Rune's Rule:
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

Law of Supply (also known as the Law of Gifts):
You get the most of what you need the least.

Hane's Law:
There is no limit to how bad things can get.

Latin in Military English Text

Many classical Latin sayings and phrases are often used in military contexts in connection with various situations of politico-military nature. Latin is widely used in the military heraldry: all sorts of coats of arms, badges, insignia, decorations, etc. Another application of Latin is in unit or corps mottos.

Bellum omnium contra omnes. War by all against all.

Pericula in mora. Danger in delay.

Pollice verso. Thumbs down ('Kill him off). Finish off the enemy hurled to the ground (shouts to the victorious gladiator in Coliseum in ancient Rome).

Si vis pacem, para bellum. If you wish to have peace you should be prepared for war.

Vae victis! Woe to the defeated!

Veni, vidi, vici. I came, I saw, I conquered (Ceasar's report about his victory in battle).

Per ARDUA ad astra. Through endeavour (toil, struggle etc) to the stars (official motto of the R.A.F.).

Per aspera ad astra. Over thorns to stars.

Casus belli. Cause of war.

Para bellum. For the war.

Post bellum. After war.

Semper paratus. Always ready (the motto of some branches or units).

Conditio sine qua non. Indispensible condition.

Manu militari. By military force.

Status quo ante bellum. State before the war.

Armed Forces Dictionary

THE ARMED FORCES DICTIONARY

Blamestorming

- Sitting around the Headquarters discussing why a suspense was missed or a mission failed and who was responsible.

Assmosis

- The process by which some people seem to absorb success and promotability by kissing up to the commander.

Adminisphere

- The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the Battalion level. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are generally profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Seagull Colonel

- A colonel who swoops in, makes a lot of noise, and dumps stuff all over everything.

Salmon Day

- The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CRM - Career Restricting Move

- Used among officers to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing core values or discussing Multi National Company pay scale, while your commander is within earshot, is serious CRM.

Flying Pay

- The Rs. 7000/- a month paycheck you'll earn when you get out and continue to fly until you're a senior captain at Jet Airways.

Kipling Revisited by Indian Army

IF

(Another version)

DICHOTOMY OF A COMMANDING OFFICER

If he has just taken command,

He will take some time to know the unit.

If he as commanded the unit for long,

It is time for a change.

If his previous assignment was staff,

He has been away from troops for long.

If he has had only regimental /command experience,

His outlook is narrow.

If he is a grade five,

He is too green to carry his rank.

If he has made his rank with class,

He is no genius.

If he questions the judgement of formation HQ ,

He is fighting the whites.

If he concurs with formation HQ,

He lacks guts.

If he creates and imposes the system,

He is not practical and does things the hard way.

If he cuts corners,

He will get his fingers burnt if he hasn't already.

If he makes immediate decisions,

He is impulsive and doesn't consider the ramifications.

If he broods over a problem,

He is indecisive.

If he supervises his subordinates closely,

He doesn't trust them.

If he leaves his subordinates alone,

He is not interested in their work.

If he implies strict control,

He should delegate more authority.

If he delegates authority,

He is a shirker.

If he emphasizes training,

He neglects welfare.

If he emphasis welfare,

He is getting cheap popularity.

If he has an open door policy,

He is inquisitive and interfering.

If he emphasizes the chain of command to function,

He makes himself too in-accessible.

If he has lengthy conferences,

He under estimates the capability of his staff & junior leaders.

If his unit has a low discipline state,

The troops are getting away with murder.

If his unit has a high discipline state,

It reflects his incapability to command.

If he is strict dealing with discipline cases,

He is a sadist.

If he is considerate, lenient and gentleman,

He is a weak commanding officer.

If he…….well: whatever he does, it is wrong.

It is a miracle that in spite of all these ' Ifs'

he has still been retained in the Army.

He ought to retire while he is ahead.

On Battle Tanks and Blanks by George Timothy

George Timothy (with apologies to Lewis Caroll)

ON BATTLE TANKS AND BLANKS

“The time has come” the Colonel said,

“When I must get promoted,

Every other fool has been,

And this my nagging wife has noted,

For I have battled long enough

To gain a glorious name,

And if my battles none I have won

Its because my horse is lame.

But just this once I must succeed,

And you my staff must tell

How with what we haven to got,

We can fight the foe”

“Fight the foe?” the staff echoed

“That we dare not do.

For though he is much weaker

He is also so much meeker

So why this talk of fighting foe

When we could just turn tail and go”.

“A plan, you fools” the Colonel screamed

“One plan for every man

To tell him what he should not do

To win a war or two”.

So on they reached a dead end

While the Colonels face much reddened.

Till spoke a passing madman

The Colonel’s passing batman

“A mighty charge with battle tanks

Supporting arms to fire blanks”.

Which set the Colonel thinking

And his staff a blinking.

The Colonel now a General is

His statues looming large

His conquests wide and varied

His ugly daughter married

He still proclaims the art of war

Now echoed far and near

“A mighty charge with battle tanks

Supporting arms to fire blanks."

Irreverantly yours

Life is serious business. So why not spend a few minutes laughing about things and being totally irreverant?