A Message From the Queen

 

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
 Queen Elizabeth II

 In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
 for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
 notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
 (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
 Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
 over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she
 does not fancy).
 Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
 without the need for further elections.
 Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
 circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
 To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
 rules are introduced with immediate effect:
 
 
 -----------------------
 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will
 be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to
 raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
 ------------------------
 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
 such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
 communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Mi
 crosoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
 adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the
 elimination o f '-ize.'
 -------------------
 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
 -----------------
 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
 lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
 therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
 should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
 without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to
 shoot grouse.
 ----------------------
 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
 more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
 required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
 ----------------------
 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
 start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time,
 you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
 conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
 --------------------
 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
 calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
 -------------------
 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
 fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
 chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
 animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
 -------------------
 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
 beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
 as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
 referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are
 pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be
 due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see
 what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
 Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
 ---------------------
 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
 good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
 English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in
 Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
 removed with a cheese grater.
 ---------------------
 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
 of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will,
 in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
 football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
 wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
 ---------------------
 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
 host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
 outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
 beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
 cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
 sting out of their deliveries.
 --------------------
 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
 -----------------
 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
 Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
 monies due (backdated to 1776).
 ---------------
 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
 saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
 plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
 God Save the Queen!
 
 PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT
 humor)!

Poor Mr Bush !

An old man approached the White House from Across Pennsylvania Avenue  , where he'd been sitting on a park bench , on 21st January 2009  .

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."
 
The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.
 
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
 
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. 
I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."   

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted smartly, and said crisply, "In that case, see you tomorrow, Sir."

How to start a fight with Wife....and repent

 

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something
more important to me.
 
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day,
I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors.
 
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I came out again and
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well
sweep the driveway.'

And then the fight started...
 

Doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Men are happier

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she  doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

• A man has six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a  towel
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these  items.

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in  any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a  book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and  funerals.

NATURAL

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

• Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about  dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense  of humor and who can handle it . and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Next Life by woody allen

*Next Life** **by Woody Allen*
 
  In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You
 start
 
  out dead and get
  that out of the way.
 
  Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling
 better
  every day.
  You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect
 your
  pension, and then
 
  when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party
 on
  your first day.
 
  You work for 40 years until you're
  young enough to
  enjoy your retirement.
  You party, drink alcohol, and are generally
 promiscuous,
  then you are ready
  for high school. You then go to primary school, you
  become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities;
 you
 
  become a baby
  until you are born.
 
  And then you spend your last 9 months floating in
 luxurious
  spa like
  conditions with central heating and room service on
 tap,
  larger quarters
 
  every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!
 
  I rest my case!!!
 
 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Name Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN BOY To get to the other side.

PLATO For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY Because that's the only trip the establishment would let
it take..

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be
free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the
chicken, 'Thou shalt cross the road.' And the chicken crossed the
road, and there was much rejoicing.

RICHARD M. NIXON The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares
why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

BILL GATES The newly released Chicken 2003, will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook.

DARWIN Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross
roads.

EINSTEIN Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference and
relativity.

GEORGE BUSH We are committed to establishing a democracy where
chickens freely cross roads without oppression from terrorist
organizations.

Azharuddin I am totally innocent, you know, I'm unnecessarily being
dragged into this, you know, because I'm from the minority...... I
neither know the chicken nor the road, you know....

George Fernandes I am deeply hurt that this question is being
asked after my 40 clean years of public life. I don't own a house, or
a car, leave alone a chicken !!!

Mulayam I demand a 50% reservation of the road for the
chicken class, so that they can cross the road freely without their
motives being questioned

ARJUN SINGH Our policy will ensure the development of socially
underprivileged chickens so that they can also cross roads.

Abdul Kalam Yes, why did the chickens cross the road? ..
please tell me why? .. they crossed to go to the other side of the
road... now repeat after me ....

Advani I see Pakistani hand in this ...

Vatal Nagaraj No Tamil or outside chickens will be allowed to
cross our roads, our roads are meant only for Kanadiga chickens!.

Bal Thackarey Chickens crossing the roads is against our culture,
my followers will stone all such chickens which cross the road.

Jayalalithaa From reliable sources I've got the information
that the chicken belongs to Karunanidhi. He is making his chicken
cross the road to create law & order problems. The chicken has now
been imprisoned under POTA.

Amitabh Bachhan The chicken has crossed the road?.. are you
sure.. very sure ... really sure...

Venkaiah Naidu ' We are very sure of the fact that the
chicken did not cross the road. It's a conspiracy by the congress. The
poor chicken has been made a scapegoat in this whole issue'

H.S.Surjeet We are adopting a wait and watch policy. We have
convened a meeting of the third front today. We will decide the future
course of action after the chicken comes back..

Maneka Gandhi Chicken crossed the road alone...!! If a
vehicle had passed over it, we would have lost one of our dearest
creatures. Ban all vehicles from using the road. Protect our
chickens...

ROMANTICS

  THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE
  RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND
  LINE:
  
  
  
  1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
  Marrying you has screwed up my life.
  
  2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
  That's why I always wake up screaming.
  
  3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
  This describes everything you are not.
  
  4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
  But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
  
  5. I thought that I could love no other
  -- that is until I met your brother.
  
  6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are
  you.
  But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
  empty and so is your head.
  
  7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
  But don't take that paper bag off your face.
  
  8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
  Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
  
  9. My love, you take my breath away.
  What have you stepped in to smell this way?
  
  10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
  Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
  
  11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
  Two parts vodka, one part lime.
  
  WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING
  
  

Battle of the Sexes : Those Evening Classes

EVENING CLASSES FOR WOMEN

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following topics:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only



EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants.

Topic1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.

Topic2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table discussion.

Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink?

   Examples on video.

Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing the remote control to your significant other. Helpline and support groups.

Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house

   upside down while screaming. Open forum.

Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.

Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.

Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.