The Truth -- A nice one

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when u're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
 
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!!" 

 

Santa is great !!!!!

Santa :  I am a proud Sardar, my son is in Medical College .
Banta :  Really, what is he studying,
Santa :  No he is not studying, they are studying him.
       

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What is common between : Krishna , Ram, Gandhiji & Jesus?
Sardar ji Replied :  All are born on Government Holidays.
     

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Santa falls in love with a nurse... after much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her:  "I love you sister."

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Pappu, while filling up a form:  "Dad, what should I write for mother tongue"?
Santa:  "Very long!"
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Santa went out to buy an Indian flag. The shop owner gave him the flag.
Guess what did he ask next...  Ismein aur colour dikhayiye".
 
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Santa went to battery shop and asked to change the battery.
The shopkeeper asked:  "Exide laga du?"
Santa:  "Dusri side tera baap lagayega kya?"

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* 

Frog:   Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai?
Santa:  Hai.
Frog:   Nahin hai.
Santa:  Hai.
Frog:   Nahin hai .
& jumps into the well.
Santa:  Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi?
 
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Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge:  What'll you take - 30 days or Rs 3000?
Santa: I think I'll take the money.


     
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Q:  How do you recognize Santa's son, Pappu, in school?
A:  He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.
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Santa standing on platform suddenly jumps on the railway track.
Banta:  "Santa you'll die".
Santa:  "No, you'll die because haven't you heard train is coming on platform?
 
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Q:  A Man asked Santa:  "Akal badhi ya bhains? "
A: Santa bola:  "Pehle date of birth to batao."

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Q:  Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A:   Because it was an entrance exam.
 
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What's Ford?
Santa:  Gaadi.
What's Oxford ?
Santa:  So simple, Bail Gaadi
   

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Santa:  My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
Banta:  He probably got a lot of applause when he got out.
Santa:  I didn't say he got out.
 
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Santa found answer to the most difficult question ever - "What comes first - the chicken or the egg?"
"O yaar,  jiska order pehle hoga,  vo ayega"!
 
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Santa (reading from book of facts): "Do you know that every time I breathe a man dies?"
Banta:  "Why don't you use a mouth wash?"
    

 

Me and My Boss

Me and My Boss

 

• When I Take a long time to finish,
  I am slow,
  When my boss takes a long time,
  he is thorough

 

• When I don't do it,
  I am lazy,
  When my boss does not do it,
  he is busy,

 

• When I do something without being told,
  I am trying to
  be smart,
  When my boss does the same,
  he takes the initiative,

 

• When I please my boss,
  I am apple polishing,
  When my boss pleases his boss,
  he is cooperating,

 

• When I make a mistake,
  I' am an idiot.
  When my boss makes a mistake,
  he's only human.

 

• When I am out of the office,
  I am wondering around.
  When my boss is out of the office,
  he's on business.

 

• When I am on a day off sick,
  I am always sick.
  When my boss is a day off sick,
  he must be very ill.

 

• When I apply for leave,
  I must be going for an
  interview
  When my boss applies for leave,
  it's because he's
  overworked

 

When I do good,
my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong,
he never forgets

 

Hilarious court Transcripts

 ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

  ____________________________________________

 

 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your

 memory at all?

 WITNESS: Yes.

 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

 

 WITNESS: I forget.

 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of

 something you forgot?

 ___________________________________________

 

 ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been

 involved in voodoo?

 

 WITNESS: We both do.

 ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

 WITNESS: We do.

 ATTORNEY: You do?

 WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

 ____________________________________________

 

 ATTORNEY: Now

 doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

 sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 ____________________________________

 

 ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is

 he?

 

 WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

 ___________________________________________

 

 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

 WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

 _________________________________________

 

 

 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was

 August 8th?

 WITNESS: Yes.

 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

 WITNESS: getting laid

 ____________________________________________

 

 ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

 

 WITNESS: Yes.

 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

 WITNESS: None.

 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

 WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

 Can I get a new

 attorney?

 ____________________________________________

 

 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

 WITNESS: By death.

 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

 WITNESS: Take a guess.

 ____________________________________________

 

 

 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

 WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with

 male.

 _____________________________________

 

 

 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to

 a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 ______________________________________

 

 ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you

 performed on dead people?

 

 WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a

 fight.

 _________________________________________

 

 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST

 be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

 WITNESS: Oral.

 _________________________________________

 

 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the

 body?

 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

 

 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

 WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

  ____________________________________________

 

 

 ATTORNEY: Are you

 qualified to give a urine sample?

 WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

  ______________________________________

 

 

 And the best for last:

 

 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you

 check for pulse?

 WITNESS: No.

 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

 WITNESS: No.

 ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

 

 WITNESS: No.

 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was

 alive when you began the autopsy?

 WITNESS: No.

 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a

 jar.

 

 ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been

 alive, nevertheless?

 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive

 and  practicing law.

  ~~

Job titles

Job titles  

 

 

In line with our constitution and to eliminate discrimination in our society, the following titles will now be used for these jobs:

 

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Garden Boy - Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist

 

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House Maid - Family Environs Upkeep Manager

 

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Typist - Printed Document Handler

 

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Messenger - Business Communications Conveyer

 

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Window Cleaner - A Transparent Wall Technician

 

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Tea Boy - Refreshments Overseer

 

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Garbage Collector - Public Sanitation Technicians

 

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Watchman - Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer or Wealth Distribution Prevention Officer

 

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Prostitute - Practical Sexual Relations Demonstrator

 

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Thief - Wealth Distribution Officer

 

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Receptionist - Office Access Control Specialist

 

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Cook - Food Preparation Officer

 

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Office Orderly - Office Administration Facilitator

 

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Cleaner - Office Hygiene Control Specialist