Hilarious court Transcripts

 ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

 WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

  ____________________________________________

 

 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your

 memory at all?

 WITNESS: Yes.

 ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

 

 WITNESS: I forget.

 ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of

 something you forgot?

 ___________________________________________

 

 ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been

 involved in voodoo?

 

 WITNESS: We both do.

 ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

 WITNESS: We do.

 ATTORNEY: You do?

 WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

 ____________________________________________

 

 ATTORNEY: Now

 doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

 sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

 WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 ____________________________________

 

 ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is

 he?

 

 WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

 ___________________________________________

 

 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

 WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

 _________________________________________

 

 

 ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was

 August 8th?

 WITNESS: Yes.

 ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

 WITNESS: getting laid

 ____________________________________________

 

 ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

 

 WITNESS: Yes.

 ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

 WITNESS: None.

 ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

 WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

 Can I get a new

 attorney?

 ____________________________________________

 

 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

 WITNESS: By death.

 ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

 WITNESS: Take a guess.

 ____________________________________________

 

 

 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

 WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

 ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

 WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with

 male.

 _____________________________________

 

 

 ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to

 a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 ______________________________________

 

 ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you

 performed on dead people?

 

 WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a

 fight.

 _________________________________________

 

 ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST

 be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

 WITNESS: Oral.

 _________________________________________

 

 ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the

 body?

 WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

 

 ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

 WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

  ____________________________________________

 

 

 ATTORNEY: Are you

 qualified to give a urine sample?

 WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

  ______________________________________

 

 

 And the best for last:

 

 ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you

 check for pulse?

 WITNESS: No.

 ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

 WITNESS: No.

 ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

 

 WITNESS: No.

 ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was

 alive when you began the autopsy?

 WITNESS: No.

 ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

 WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a

 jar.

 

 ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been

 alive, nevertheless?

 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive

 and  practicing law.

  ~~