Even Newton Forgot These Laws?

*Law of queue:*
If you change queues, the one you have left will start
to move faster than the one you are in now.

*Law of the Telephone:*
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.


*Law of Mechanical Repair:*
After your hands become coated with
grease, your nose will begin to itch.

*Law of the Workshop:*
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible corner.

*Law of the Alibi: *
If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

*Bath THEOREM:*
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

*LAW OF ENCOUNTERS:*
The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

*LAW of the RESULT:*
When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't work, it will!

*LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: *
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach..

*THEATRE RULE:*
People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

*LAW OF COFFEE:*
As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your
boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is

Thoughts & Stories From On The Job!

My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a
rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?" I told him, "Nope ! I do this for
free."

This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff
too. I remember once he posted a sign which read "Today is the tomorrow you
worried about yesterday." I couldn't resist and added a note: "And now you
know why too".

Once I came upon this pretty blonde temp standing in front of the paper
shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help
and she said, "Yeah, how does this thing work ?" I took the papers from her
hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment
with yet another confused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?" She said,
"Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?"

People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? When's
the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death".

Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never
anybody around to appreciate it.

Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we
have computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got
ulcers.

Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough
time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone
that they don't have enough time to do all their work.

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and
steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to
demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,
"Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The
butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a
consultation.

An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass
gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be
mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been
talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives
her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a
week. The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says,
"Doc, there's been a change but not for the better.. I still pass gas all
the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage,now we'll
have to work on your hearing."

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said,
"I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face
and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest,
most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine
his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a
hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the
difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

Funny Really Funny

How fights start

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a weighing scale.

And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...
So, I took her to a gas station..
And then the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.

I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' She sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Naaah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

A woman is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay
me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started..... .

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed..
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first:
the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep
the driveway.'
And then the fight started...

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer:     'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'. Operator:     'Where did you get that number from, sir?'. Customer:     'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.. Operator:     'Sir, they are our opening hours'. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Samsung Electronics Caller:          'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?' Operator:     'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'. Caller:          'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC  wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.                    Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'           Operator:      'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- RAC Motoring Services Caller:          'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?' Operator:      ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ): 'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?' -------------- -------------------------------------------------------- Directory Enquiries Caller:               'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'. Operator:          'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?' Caller:               'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator:        'Woven? Are you sure?' Caller:             'Yes.. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '. -------------------------------------- -------------------------------- On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support:      'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'. Customer:             'OK'. Tech Support:      'Did you get a pop-up menu?'. Customer:             'No'. Tech Support:      'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?' Customer:             'No'. Tech Support:      'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'. Customer:            'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support:          'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?' Customer:                 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller:  'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------- There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'. Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?' Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.' Operator:        'What sort of trouble??' Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.' Operator:         'Went away?' Caller:              'They disappeared.' Operator:         'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?' Caller:              'Nothing.' Operator:         'Nothing??' Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.' Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??' Caller:              'How do I tell?' Operator:         'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??' Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?' Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?' Caller:              'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.' Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??' Caller:              'What's a monitor?' Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??' Caller:               'I don't know.' Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.. Can you see that??' Caller:              'Yes, I think so.' Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller:              'Yes, it is.' Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??' Caller:               'No.' Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.' Caller:               'Okay, here it is.' Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.' Caller:               'I can't reach.' Operator:          'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??' Caller:               'No.' Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your kn ee on something and lean way over??' Caller:               'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.' Operator:          'Dark??' Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. Operator:          'Well, turn on the office light then.' Caller:               'I can't.' Operator:          'No? Why not??' Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.' Operator:          'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.                         Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??' Caller:               'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.' Operator:           'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it    from.' Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?' Operator:            'Yes, I'm afraid it is.' Caller:                 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??' Operator:            'Tell them you're too bloody stupid to own a computer!!!!!'