Thoughts & Stories From On The Job!

My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a
rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?" I told him, "Nope ! I do this for
free."

This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff
too. I remember once he posted a sign which read "Today is the tomorrow you
worried about yesterday." I couldn't resist and added a note: "And now you
know why too".

Once I came upon this pretty blonde temp standing in front of the paper
shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help
and she said, "Yeah, how does this thing work ?" I took the papers from her
hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment
with yet another confused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?" She said,
"Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?"

People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? When's
the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death".

Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never
anybody around to appreciate it.

Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we
have computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got
ulcers.

Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough
time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone
that they don't have enough time to do all their work.

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and
steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to
demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,
"Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The
butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a
consultation.

An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass
gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be
mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been
talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives
her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a
week. The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says,
"Doc, there's been a change but not for the better.. I still pass gas all
the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage,now we'll
have to work on your hearing."

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said,
"I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face
and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest,
most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine
his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a
hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the
difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."