How to start a fight with Wife....and repent

 

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something
more important to me.
 
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day,
I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors.
 
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I came out again and
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well
sweep the driveway.'

And then the fight started...
 

Doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Men are happier

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she  doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

• A man has six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a  towel
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these  items.

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in  any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a  book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and  funerals.

NATURAL

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

• Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about  dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense  of humor and who can handle it . and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Next Life by woody allen

*Next Life** **by Woody Allen*
 
  In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You
 start
 
  out dead and get
  that out of the way.
 
  Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling
 better
  every day.
  You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect
 your
  pension, and then
 
  when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party
 on
  your first day.
 
  You work for 40 years until you're
  young enough to
  enjoy your retirement.
  You party, drink alcohol, and are generally
 promiscuous,
  then you are ready
  for high school. You then go to primary school, you
  become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities;
 you
 
  become a baby
  until you are born.
 
  And then you spend your last 9 months floating in
 luxurious
  spa like
  conditions with central heating and room service on
 tap,
  larger quarters
 
  every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!
 
  I rest my case!!!