Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!) A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. Th e brainium contains the brain; the boraxcontains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I,O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...) A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.' A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
*** WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A North Indian GIRL as WIFE ***
1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her Age.
2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after Marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.
3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt Because of the number of times you had to take her out to movies, theatres And restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.
4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala, aloo Sabji, aloo Gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those Paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or Chronic gas disorder.
5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your Monthly phone bill.
6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only Later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she Applies to cover her grey hair.
7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching 'Kyonki saas bhi Kabi bahu thi' that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.
8. You are a very 'ESpecial' person to her.
9. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of south India until she met you.
10. When she says she is going to 'work out' she means she is going to ' Walk out'
11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have In your home town.
*** WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL as WIFE ***
1.Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras / Anna University .
2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with ' ... I say...'
3. She shudders if you use four letter words.
4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconut Oil from her hair.)
5. She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative.
6. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.
7. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname Combined (unless you are from Andhra).
8. When she mixes milk/curd and rice you are never sure whether it is for The dog or for herself.
9. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk Saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable while you are Melting in your singlet.
10. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.
11. Her favourite food is DOSA though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation')
12. She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.
13. You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it ..
14. Her Mangal Sutra weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF Wrestlers.
15. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you
1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: 'I am very rich. 'Marry me!' - That's Direct Marketing... '
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: 'He's very rich. 'Marry him.' -That's Advertising. ..'
3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: 'Hi, I'm very rich. 'Marry me - That's Telemarketing. ..'
4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)'Marry Me?' - That's Public Relations... '
5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:'You are very rich! 'Can you marry ! me?' - That's Brand Recognition. ..'
6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: 'I am very rich. Marry me!' She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - 'That's Customer Feedback...'
7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: 'I am very rich. Marry me!' And she introduces you to her husband. - 'That's demand and supply gap...'
8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: 'I'm rich. Will you marry me?' and she goes with him - 'That's competition eating into your market share...'
9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: 'I'm rich, Marry me!' your wife arrives. - 'That's restriction for entering new markets...'
It's Raining, It's Pouring Oh sh!t, it's Global Warming.
Jack and Jill went into town To fetch some chips and sweeties. He can't keep his heart rate down And she's got diabetes.
. Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her Between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man 'What have you got there?' Said the pie man unto Simon 'Pies you dummy!'
Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its @rse And turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play He kissed them too cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass And grabbed her ass Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb Its fleece was white and wispy. Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease And now it's black and crispy
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful.
Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?' Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs50."
The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!! !
Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a London Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an London office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a London secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in London health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a London conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world.
At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER.
In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO. ________________________________
Boss: Where were you born? Sardar : Punjab .. Boss : which part ? Sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in Punjab .
2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car. / Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing. Sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have one more.
Sardar : What is the name of your car ? Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'. Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi petrol se start hoti hai.
Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from your auto. sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.
Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He gave Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass..
On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring. Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.
How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ? Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it....
Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai. Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho? Santa: I'm falling in love.
Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken. Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.
At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh! Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got irritated.... . drank poison & said, Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!
NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE : In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run? Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. ..... Inteviewer shouts: Stop it. Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...
Tourist: Whose skeleton is that? Santa: Tipu's skeleton. Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it? Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child
There was a time when words were used beautifully. These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language was boiled down to four-letter words!
The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, 'If you were my husband, I'd give you poison,' and he said, 'If you were my wife, I'd take it.'
Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: 'Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.' 'That depends, sir,' said Disraeli, 'On whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.'
'He had delusions of adequacy.' – Walter Kerr.
'He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.' - Winston Churchill.
'A modest little person, with much to be modest about.'-Winston Churchill.
'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.'-Clarence Darrow.
'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.' - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner).
'Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.' – Moses Hades.
'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.' – Abraham Lincoln.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.' - Mark Twain.
'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.'-Oscar Wilde.
'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one.'-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. 'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one!' - Winston Churchill, in response.
'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.' - Stephen Bishop.
He is a self-made man and worships his creator.'- John Bright.
'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.'-Irvin S. Cobb.
'He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.' - Samuel Johnson.
'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.' -Jack E. Leonard.
He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.'-Robert Redford.
'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.'-Thomas Brackett Reed.
'In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.' - Charles, Count Talleyrand.
'He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.'-Forrest Tucker.
'Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?' – Mark Twain.
'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.' – Mae West.
'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.'- Oscar Wilde.
'He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…. for support, rather than illumination. '- Andrew Lang (1844-1912).
'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.' – Billy Wilder.
'I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.' - Groucho Marx
"...to follow the dictum of the British NCO who, when asked where his officers were, replied, 'When it comes time to die, they'll be with us.'" - Richard A. Gabriel and Paul L. Savage, Crisis in Command: Mismanagement in the Army; 1978
There is a saying in the Navy that if you want someone to think, ask an officer. But if you want it done, ask a chief...nicely! - Tom Clancy, Marine; A Guided Tour of a Marine Expeditionary Unit, 1996
As the CSM of U.S. Army Special Operations Command, one of my duties was to give a class to commanders and senior enlisted advisors in the Pre-Command Course, on the subject of officer/NCO relationships and the role of the 1SG/CSM. One of the things I would tell them includes this story:
"During the basic course for brand new lieutenants, the instructor presented them with a problem to solve. They were told that the mission was to erect a flag pole. They had one sergeant and three privates. The lieutenants were given 30 minutes to formulate a course of action, after which the instructor asked for solutions. Each lieutenant explained in detail how the job could best be accomplished. Finally the instructor gave them the right answer: 'Sergeant, I want the flag pole here; I'll be back in two hours to inspect.'" I think that story, true or not, tells us all we need to know about officer/NCO relationships. -CSM Jimmie W. Spencer, letter 1 Sep 1997
Hollywood knows there's something about a sergeant. When you see a television show or a movie, the camera may focus on the officers. You know the stereotypes: the rookie lieutenant, the aggressive colonel, the intellectual general. But I guarantee you, somewhere in that presentation will be a tough old sergeant, with hashmarks up to the elbow. He stands for experience, common sense, and wisdom. He's Gary Cooper in Sergeant York or James Earl Jones in Gardens of Stone. He is Lou Gossett in An Officer and a Gentleman, telling candidate Mayo that the service is not about flying airplanes, it's about character.... For America, the sergeant is the Army. - Gen Gordon R. Sullivan, address "America’s Noncommissioned Officer Corps- into The 21st Century." Speech File Service, 2nd Quarter, Fiscal Year 1994
How to be a Successful Subaltern
Rule Number 1: Know your enemy and avoid him.
The subaltern's natural adversary is, of course, the Adjutant....
Rule Number 2: Know your enemy and supervise his bath.
There are many units that employ a fifth column in the shape of a ‘senior subaltern.' ...
Rule Number 3: Know your enemy and charm her.
The Commanding Officer will be married ...
Rule Number 4: Know your enemies and join them.
Passing reference has been made to the wives' club ... the [successful subaltern] offers his services to the wives' club as its ‘Military Coordinator.' ...
Rule Number 5: Know your enemy and don't be his assistant.
The bane of every young officer's life is the extra-mural jobs that he is given on top of running his platoon or troop. ...
Rule Number 6: Drink water in the Sergeant's Mess. ...
-Sustainer, British Army Review, Number 60, December 1978
MAXIMS
Never do other people's work unless you are driven to it if you do, you will get an evil reputation for liking it.
Always ask for leave at al times and in all places. In the end, you will acquire a kind of right to it.
Remember that there is a time to work and a time to play. The time to work is when you are being watched.
Abandon every hope of individuality. In the Service it is considered indecent, and verges on insubordination. Most young officers join with a distressing amount of "originality," and it is only on reaching the status of member of the Army Council that an officer can be said to be completely purged of it.
Study the fads of your superiors. If the General is looking on, be assiduously practising his little hobby. It does not matter how foolish it is — in fact the sillier it is the more he will like it, as he fully appreciates the fact that you are making a fool of yourself for his benefit. The same rule applies to the C.O.. Only in a lesser degree. The higher the rank, the more abandoned your antics should become. This is why so much leave is required in the Army, the mental strain on the zealous officer being excessive. - The Young Officer's Guide to Knowledge, by Senior Major, Fourth Edition, 1915
Subalterns should treat their seniors as they would a rich uncle from whom they have expectations. - RoyalCanadianSchool of Infantry, Hints for Young Officers, Halifax, N.S., May 1931
The first thing a young officer must do when he joins the Army is to fight a battle, and that battle is for the hearts of his men. If he wins that battle and subsequent similar ones, his men will follow him anywhere; if he loses it, he will never do any real good. - Montgomery of Alamein
"Morale? I'll tell you what morale is. Morale is when a soldier thinks his army is the best in the world; his regiment the best in the army; his company the finest in .the regiment; his squad the best in the company; and that he himself is the best damned soldier in the whole outfit."
The German General Staff, the story goes, used to divide army officers into four categories: the clever and lazy, the clever and hard-working, the stupid and lazy, and the stupid and hard- working. The best Generals, the Germans found, came from the clever and lazy; the best staff officers emerged from the clever and hard-working; the stupid and lazy could be made useful as regimental officers; but the stupid and hard-working were a menace, to be disposed of as soon as possible.
Soldiering would be all right if it only consisted of the band and the Mess; no damned men or horses. - famous words of a British cavalry officer
I'm glad Sir, that you have no StaffCollege officers on your staff, I don't like StaffCollege officers. My experience of StaffCollege officers is that they are conceited, and they are dirty! Brains? I don't believe in brains...my Military Secretary, and a damned good one he is too, is the stoopidest man I ever came across. - The Duke of Cambridge (1819-1904) on the value of StaffCollege graduates (here speaking to the GOC of a district)
January 27, 1918 (Sunday) Ronssoy
"Am I Offensive enough?" is one of the questions laid down in a pamphlet that reaches us from an Army school some 30 miles behind the line. It is for the subaltern to ask himself each morning as he rises from his bed.
Most laudable! But, as the Lewis Gun Officer remarked to-day, it is one of the paradoxes of war that the further you get from the battle line the more 'offensive' are the people you meet. - Rowland Feilding, War Letters to a Wife, France and Flanders, 1915-1919, 1930
Everyone knows that enthusiasm amongst the junior officers is the most fundamental of all necessities for the well-being of a unit; with it, the worst defects can be righted; without it, even what seems to be right is of little value. - Major M.K. Wardle, DSO, MC, Foundations of Soldiering, 1936
If the exercise is subsequently talked about in the officers' mess, it is probably worthwhile; if there is argument over it in the sergeants' mess, it is a good exercise; while if it should be mentioned in the corporals' room, it is an undoubted success. - Sir AP Wavell, in the Journal of the Royal United Services Institution, May 1933
"Captain is such a dashing title. I've always thought." She gave him a bright, brittle smile. "I mean, colonels and so on are always so stuffy, majors are pompous, but one always feels somehow that there is something delightfully dangerous about a captain." - Terry Pratchet, Guards, Guards
There is a vast difference between being a staff officer and being a commander. The staff officer is never totally responsible--the commander always is. For that reason, although a good commander usually will make a good staff officer, the opposite is not necessarily true. - General J. Lawton Collins
Well Sir, history shows that at the start of every war we have always fought the wrong way and have had to learn from expensive failures. It is now peace; therefore the only doctrine that we can be certain is wrong is that in the text books. That is why I didn't read it last night sir. - from The Owl: Inter ServiceStaffCollege, Wellington, India, 1964
If you want to talk to men, it doesn't matter whether they are private soldiers or staff officers, if you want to talk to them as a soldier, and not as a politician, there are only two things necessary. The first is to have something to say that is worth saying, to know what you want to say: and the second, and terribly important thing, is to believe in yourself. Don't go and tell men something you don't believe yourself, because they'll spot it and if they don't spot it at the time, they'll find out. Then you're finished. - Gen. Sir William Slim (Viscount Slim)
The officers' mess. Everything revolved around the mess. Mess dinners. Mess social events. Mess bar. It was every regiments' central gathering place for exchanging ideas, jokes, scandals and complaints. There were happy messes, sad messes, stuffy messes and casual messes. But there were no nonalcoholic messes in the Canadian or British (or for that matter, the Indian) armies. - from "The Making of a Warrior", Land Force Staff Course handout, 1998.
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